Some memes

confusing cacophony of noise in my head, is more often than not, the source of my bad decision making or impulsive, reactive behavior. in fact, that noise this morning, nearly prevented me from dipping into the void, as i attempted to sit. ironically, my seed was all about listening to the voice of my “higher self,” which took a bit of effort, this morning. there are a couple of clichés that may fit here, the first being that i may not always know the next correct thing to do, but i almost always know the next wrong thing to do. the other being that developed my conscience in my stomach. what exactly does that mean? well, for me, i get the feeling in the pit of my stomach, just like i used to get, just before i used. that little feeling of nauseous excitement when i knew that soon i may be FUBAR and loving it. it took me a minute to see that as a sign, once i got clean, that it was not about getting high, rather it is now all about making a choice to do better.
these days, i hardly ever “feel” that in the pit of my stomach, as i have matured enough to actually seek out and listen to the voice of my true self, who has the desire to live according to a spiritual principle or three. it is not as if, i no longer find myself at such a crossroad, it is just that i no longer have to rely on a physical reaction to alert me to the wrong choice. i guess that is a symptom of growing up to live a program of recovery. that confusing cacophony, that once froze me in indecision was morphed into a single voice that lies to me and attempts to direct me down a path that i will regret. more often than not these days, i recognize that less than stellar choice and pause to evaluate whether or not i am wiling to accept the consequences of implementing that choice. guess what, i am not a saint and sometimes, i feel the satisfaction of doing so, outweighs the risk. and so it goes…
next on my hit parade this morning is my daily workout. my spouse saw me wearing braces on both my knees and wondered about it. i told her, that before i injure my left knee in the same manner as my right one, i was being proactive in wearing the extra brace. in nine days, i will be able to cut back to running three days a week, walking three days and taking one day entirely off. i intend to maintain my fitness level and get ready to scale some mountain peaks this summer, even if it is easy-peasy ones such as Mount Blue Sky. just for today, however, i will go with the flow and see what this day brings.

∞ DT ∞