Blog entry for:

in time, a newcomer will be walking through those same trials, that newcomer will remember that others walked through that difficulty and stayed clean. well my two cents this morning could be a choir boy response or it could be a blog about my experience about being placed on a pedestal. in actuality, neither of those themes speak to me this morning, and what i feel is the need to be honest about what i share these days.
recently, i have been having trouble sharing at meetings. i know that i CAN carry a message of HOPE, although lately i feel like i have been carrying the mess and not the message. more times than not, i hear something another member shares and my knickers get into quite a bun. so avoiding my feelings i go back to the basic stuff, leaving what is really happening out. when i get done, spouting off, i feel a bit dirty and more than a bit dishonest. second-guessing myself, i begin to wonder if what i am feeling is valid and if what i just shared was so much bullsh!t that i just wasted two minutes of the lives of the members in attendance. i suspect this is just a phase i am going through and if it was closer to me clean date i would attribute it to my normal annual crazies. what i now think is happening is i am being worked over by my first step and the time to move forward probably arrived a while ago. so the solution is of course, to give my sponsor a call and set-up a time to sit down and work through what is going on.
what about right here and right now? well right now i am a bit frustrated that everything i am trying to get done before heading out to service is taking way longer than i desire. that is a sign that perhaps i am moving in self-will this morning, instead of surrendering my will and my life into the care…
…so i guess what i need to do, is let go, allow myself to FEEL and move on with my day. it is not like i have a trillion things to get accomplished today, nor am i really that pressed for time. things are what they are, and before i get on the highway i need to find a bit of serenity. this quick inventory was a good thing, and the purgative value of this whole exercise is making me feel a bit closer to the source of my recovery. into the quiet time i go, then off to the mountains for what may just be a long and tumultuous service meeting. i can do this today and i will.

∞ DT ∞