Blog entry for:

reflected in my growth, is really not an idea that i spend a whole lot of time thinking about. as someone who is far from socially adept, i found that it was easier for me, if i kept my distance from all those around me and as a result got a reputation for being cold and aloof, which was in perfect alignment with my vision of myself. no matter how many times i was told that i had a “good heart” or was a kind and loving person, i never believed it. my response for the longest time was to minimize and deflect that kind of feedback by saying something like “it just was the next right thing to do.” as i deal with the process of coming to terms with my identity after living under the cloud of shame and secrecy for so long, i am discovering that yes, i can be kind for no reason at all because that is really who i am.
it is true, that i am almost always the last person to see my own growth, but what i do notice is how those around me, react and respond to what i do and do not do. i have always been a keen observer of those i interact with, however, before getting clean i did not care if they found me hurtful, aggressive, angry and abrasive, in fact that was exactly the sort of impression i wanted to create. throughout my early recovery that same attitude prevailed as it kept others at bay and allowed me to boost my lack of self-esteem, by feeling superior to those who were in my life. i am not quite sure when that changed, but the fact is, as i stayed clean, worked steps and exploded the myth of who i thought i was, i did become less of all of the above and had the desire to build a connection to my peers in recovery. there was a whole lot of push-back from my community and over time, as my behaviors changed, the was push-back was reduced to practically nil. i am far from being socially adept and comfortable in all situations, but i am much better off than i was even a few years ago, pre-pandemic.
i owe my peer in prison a letter and it seems that the longer i take to respond to him, the more honest he actually becomes. his last question was all about meetings and if i felt my recovery was in jeopardy because i did not attend them. i keep coming back with the same answer that for me, meetings provided the ways and means for me to develop my recovery support system. those addicts i am in contact with on a regular basis, are the relationships i forged by going to meetings, putting myself out there and yes, by being kind. they have my back as i have theirs' and that is a gift that keeps on giving me the impetus to live a program of recovery. he decided when he was on the outs to listen to the part of himself that told him he did not need connection and as a result, ended up with consequences that will be a part of his life for a very long time. now all i have to do, is figure out how to be kind as i tell him he is playing into his belief that he is a piece a shit, unworthy of building a support system and being a part of anything bigger than him. more will certainly be revealed.

∞ DT ∞