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they believe in me until they learn to believe in themselves., which at times feels more than a bit burdensome. i have to remember when i came in and kept hearing one particular member share over and over again, that he was a newcomer every day. ascribing motives to someone else's behaviors is not where i am today, however if i was one that was using that line, it would be part of that whole i am more humble than thou sh!t, i learned to practice in the rooms. even though i believe that i have to do this gig just for today, i am not an newcomer and can no longer act as if i am. for me, false humility EQUALS pride and ego, as i am trying to appear to be something i am not.
that was interesting turn as the bus heads out of the smoke plume and i can actual see the mountain peaks. anyhow twice in the past two days, from two different members, have i told me that i am an inspiration to them and that they want to get what i have. i know that they are saying that out of genuine humility, BUT, this sort of praise can always be a trip wire for me, as that is what i always wanted, to be loved and respected for being the person i am. no games, no maipulation, no false fronts, none of what i practiced minute by minute when i came to recovery and yet when i get that, i still cringe internally. i was about to say that last statement was a bit of hyperbole, but it is true. even though getting something i want feels great, there is a part of me, that still believes that i am not worth it, and that they must be mistaking me for someon else, if they only knew…
they do know, and it is time i allow myself the freedom to accept that sort of stuff for what it worth, without looking for the thorns and missing the blooms. one of them, my sponsee, was comparing his insides to my outsides, and although i am not quite sure what he sees when we get together, i am willing to keep giving it away. what he forgets, is that the man he sees and hears today, is the product of a process and did not just spring into exsistence through an act of spontanous conception. i ahve what i have, becuas ei choose to do the work, although that willingness has been lagging lately, and asour bus heads towards the big city, i wonder how much grace i really have. sure i do the maintenance, and for now that seems adequate to get me by, but am i really willing to settle for just getting by, anymore? that is truly a question that requires an honest answer. perhaps not right here and right now, but i do know that the answer to that question is no less important as do i want to do whatever it takes to stay clean today.
it seems i have started down a dark and dreary place, and although i hate to admit it, maybe that is enough of that, after all i am clean today and have been for many days in a row. i do have the desire to do what it takes to stay clean today and as i get to the climax of this entry, i am not satisfied with just gettng by and if i want that to change i know what i have to do, which was to go into Pandora and dislike the song that was playing. BINGO, one of my favorite songs was nexet in the random queue, which i can take for a sign, or just kick back and enjoy in the wonderfment of life on random terms. i do have the power to allow the POWER that fuels my recovery do ITS work, all i have to do is exercise it, my power that is.
i do beleive that is all i need to write about today, so long and thanks for all teh fish, it has been a long strange trip!

∞ DT ∞