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people often see goodness in me that perhaps i do not see in myself. i have to admit, i am my own worst critic. in fact, i am much harder on myself than any of my sponsors, even the hard-ass ones, have ever been. my desire to appear “perfect” means that i hide any and all flaws and when i make a mistake, to do my best to sweep it under the carpet before anyone else notices. that leads me into a world of self-deprecation and and denial. it is no wonder that i miss the part of me that has become, kinder, gentler and better adapted to being a human being, with all of my very human attributes. when one such as myself is striving to be perfect, one often overlooks how much better one is, when comparing oneself to what they were once like. i was a pretty tough cookie and not prone to kindness when i walked into the rooms and certainly did not show any sign of having a “good heart,” regardless of what my sponse says about me today.
looking at my two selves, the one that walks in my skin after a minute clean and the one who walked into the rooms, once upon a time, i can certainly see a difference. i was not as tough as i made out, but i certainly was walled off and disconnected from the world around me. i did my best to keep everyone at at least arm's length or even further. all that i did, whether it looked like a good deed or not, had ulterior motives attached to those actions. i was a ghost of a man living in a human shell that found himself attempting a life after “better living through chemistry.” today, i am embarrassed when i get “caught” in the attempt to do something nice for someone. i am whole, confident in who i am and better adapted to being connected to the world around me. there are consequences to those changes, although most of them are desirable IMHO, but my greatest fear has been manifest 🢩 i am now a mostly open book, vulnerable and having those around me, understand how i tick. i see that today and wonder WTF i was so scared about? it is true that i may get hurt, but so what. living as a whole and genuine person is worth that risk. just for today, i will celebrate the person i am becoming and leave the FEAR of what that means in the bit bucket.

∞ DT ∞