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although there are days, when i wonder if i really am any sort of a vision of hope, there are also days when i am sure of it. so there you have it, the coin flip of how i see myself. in reality, it is way different than a 50- 50 chance that i feel like a vision of hope, today is one of those days, so time to move along.
while i was sitting with my friend and once sponsee the other day, i saw the disappointment in his eyes when i basically said he was full of sh!t, and if he wanted my help, he would have to man the fVck up, takes some responsibility for his life and recovery and stop being such a whiny little brat. although, my riding to the rescue has been curtailed in the recent years, it was something he could count on, as i would always end up being there, allow myself to be manipulated, and justify it, by saying “at least he called and after all, he is just a newcomer.” well those days are over, no more will i allow myself to fall under his spell, and the look in his eyes, when all that he did, did not sway me, was more than a bit painful. was i in error, with this course of action? i think not, after all, this insanity has been going on for all of his adult life, and as he pushes each and every out of his life, by being clingy and needy, he truly is left with no one but the criminals he hangs with on the outs. he seems to care more about what they think, than what his family and those in fellowship think, and makes sure they are there to provide him once again a safe landing. well i am, sort of. once again i will do nothing to make his current situation any less heinous. he will have to suffer through months and months of getting three small meals per day, being told what to do, and not ever being warm enough, that is the lot he chose and that is what he needs to feel the full effects of. i will not cater to his incessant need to call and talk about absolutely nothing at all, on my fVcking dime. that too is being constrained and although i may rethink the upper limit i have set on that, i know that drain is going to be severely reduced. what i have come to realize is that he and i are on opposite ends of the spectrum when it comes to social needs. unlike him, when i got dumped into jail, the last thing i wanted, was to have anyone know where i was, and i NEVER called or wrote anyone, i was content, well maybe not content, perhaps resolved would be a better word, to make sure that the fewest people in my life and the world knew about where i had ended up. for me, the hardest concept to grasp, was that i was NOT self-sufficient, that i did NOT have inside of me, what it would take to stay clean and get off paper, and that i actually NEEDED to have people in my life. when i got here, alone was just fine for me, as it meant very little pain and suffering being inflicted upon me, by those people who were unreliably human. alone did not equal lonely, in my head, even though i was often lonely as well.
leaving that illusion of safety and becoming a person who needs others in my life, has been quite the journey, and as ki begin to allow my social skills to blossom and bloom, i tarting to get a clue or two what it would feel like to have to depend on the outside world for everything i need within me. the rub of that is, of course, that it is my job to get my friend to start looking within for his happiness and satisfaction and the fVcking answers to why he is once again locked up for his birthday. for me? well for me it is time to get rolling on down the road, as if i do not show up, i will not get paid.

∞ DT ∞