Blog entry for:

at times, place me on a pedestal or view my recovery through **rose-colored glasses.**
there are not a lot of things i specifically remember from back in the day. in general i can remember a few significant events, but mostly what i remember is impressions and feelings, as i struggled with coming to terms with addiction and what that would mean for me. for me, people with “significant” clean-time, five or more years, were intimidating. sure i wanted what they had, and i even asked someone from that “spooky” group to sponsor me. what i did not want to do is march lock-step into the brainwashing chamber and become some sort of cookie-cutter, recovery automaton. yes i certainly had my share of crazy notions, back in those days, and the worst part of it all, was that i kept that part of me, to myself. i did not even share that information with my sponsor, as i was quite certain it would make me a pariah or worse a laughing-stock, and i have always been more willing to save my face over saving my a$$!
now that i am securely established as one of those with “significant” and the shoe is on the other foot, i could be able to thrive on the attention and the emotional reaction of others, and yet i do not. an ironic thing happened along the path to where i am today, i learned to deflate my oversize ego, see myself as one of the pack and live a whole lot less large than i used to. it always amazes me, when one of my newer peers, how i found a place of serenity in the turmoil of daily life. me? well i do not necessarily feel any more peaceful, accepting or serene that i did back in the day, until i pause and allow myself the freedom to see myself as i am today, removing the glasses that have colored my perception of myself, since the beginning of this recovery journey. when i take a very critical look at who i have become, doing my best to discard my out-dated notions of who i think i am, i can see that for me, there certainly has been a whole lot of shaking going on, and i start to get why my clean-time may be intimidating and as one of my peers puts it: “real.”
i am not one of those who sugarcoats or softens the blow, i am generally pretty straight up about how i see things. some of my peers appreciate that and others, well not so much. i do remember that recovering addicts who were the most real about how they got to where they are, were the ones that scared me the most, because as a result of their honesty, i felt there was nothing i could hide from them, in myself. the last thing i ever wanted to be,m was an open book, and those members with time and recovery, i was certain could read me without very little difficulty. it was safer to skulk in the corners and hang with those who has similar amounts of clean time and recovery. in that group, i always felt safe. the only problem is, as i stayed clean and kept coming around, my peers with similar amounts of clean-time, disappeared and now i am left with a few members in our local fellowship upon some sort of stratospheric level, way above the rank and file, and it is more than a bit frightening. now i am an example of staying clean, day after day, for many days in a row, and i can easily go to the notion that i have to “behave” and “sound” better than i am feeling, after all, look at all who are depending upon me to be an stellar example of life in the real world with a few days clean.
this morning i reject the notion, that i need to show anything but what i am and what i am feeling. if i am nuts, i can be nuts. if i am all spiritual and serene, than i can be spiritual serene. and if i something in between, well then i can be all that i am, in all my glory. every day clean for me, is not a “good” day, just as every day in active addiction was not a “bad” one. today, i am okay being an addict and having to deal with the adult problems i need to deal with, including figuring out how to fix one of my goof-ups this morning. yes i have been awake for barely 90 minutes and i already have to own a wrong, dammit all. that is just the way the fortune cookie crumbles, it is, without a doubt a better day clean than it might have been, if i was not living a program of recovery. right here and right now i see life is better on this side of that line in the sand, no matter what i need top repair today, it is a good day to be clean.

∞ DT ∞