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is no longer a comfortable place for this **old-timer** to be. i would love to say, in all faux-humility, that this has always been the case. part of who i seem to be, craves being **above it all, and a pedestal was the perfect place for that need to be me. part of my spiritual fitness program is owning how much i do not know about myself and about the direction of my life in recovery. taking responsibility for that is means that i NEED to be honest when i share about all that i am and am not. yes, i get that clean time is a “badge of honor” of sorts. clean time does not make me immune to my human failings and how those failing are magnified through addiction. i was surprised the other day, when someone who heard me share, openly admitted that i was a vision of hope to them, in one of their first meetings. i wanted to minimize and deflect from that comment, and internally i started down that path. as i came back to reality and became present for what was being shared by my peers, i felt a sense of relief that maybe, just being who i am, is more than enough.
this morning, sitting here feeling my age and the after-effects of climbing to the top of Colorado, i am sort of awed by how far i have come, from the man who craved the attention of my peers and the desire to be the “best” at this recovery gig. yes, awe is a perfect word and before i break my arm, patting myself on the back, i can be certain that there dump truck sized loads of stuff that i have yet to uncover about myself and my recovery. today, though, i can be okay with being a “vision of hope” and do my best to stay off the pedestal, at least in my own mind. it is a good day to be better than i was yesterday. it is also a good day to take the dawg out for a longish walk for her, so i can “walk” some of the ill-effects of 8 miles and 3000 vertical feet on this 63 year old body.

∞ DT ∞