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i found, in my recovery journey? when i share, it often does not sound very hopeful, in fact most of the time, i feel as if i have very little to offer the newcomer, save for a shit-ton of days clean. maybe, there is a bit of HOPE in that fact alone and i should leave it at that. i could, but of course i will not, as i NEED to walk down a path of uncovering the stuff i can call my own these days.
the lie that i was broken is one of those things. sitting here after my home group, i feel a bit refreshed and certainly in the mood to wax philosophically. owning the fact that although i love my Mom and have reached a place of forgiveness for who she was, way back when, does not help me reconcile the fact, that right now, i really do not “like” her. in fact, i ignored her FaceBook friend request and she has yet to ask why she cannot see my Santa Fe pictures. i feel no remorse about keeping her out of that part of my life, for now. i have the DESIRE to let her in, but still live in a place of FEAR that she will not get what it is i am becoming. jazz hands and tap dancing around my feelings, is something i learned to do when i was very young and the “bad” news is, i am still quite accomplished at doing so. i know that i am the one that needs to change and expecting her to do so, is what one might call a fool's errand. so i sit on my hands and allow myself the freedom to just be okay, with what it is, today anyhow.
i was going to muse about my next task of this day, but decided that perhaps that was not something i needed to do. it has been a very long week at work, and there is stuff i do need to get done around the house, but right here and right now, i am certainly not up to that. in fact, i am more likely to light another cigar and game on my back porch all afternoon, instead of training or being productive. i guess that i am starting to feel that i am worth having a “real” day off, or at least another afternoon off. i have mistreated myself so much over the course of my life, that i have trouble doing good stuff, just for me. on that note, i think i will get something to eat and see what i can do, to let myself do nothing at all.

∞ DT ∞