Blog entry for:

in recovery, yes i have many, in fact some of the time, it seems that all i share about is my struggles. to be clear, although i mostly dark here in the forum, and yes some of that darkness carries over into my sharing at meetings, i really am grateful for what i have been given in recovery. my problems today, especially in the realm of my recovery journey are minor compared to what they were when i came in and i am not talking about problems with life on its own terms, i am talking about issues with recovery, mine and how it relates to the recovery of my peers in the rooms. i do try and live with integrity these days, however, the DESIRE to get some extra money in my HSA account need me to start a “Positivity Project” at work. basically fore the next 20 days i have to post a “positive” tidbit from my life on the company's internal social website. i am not a unicorn and rainbow kind of guy, as is quite evident about the often cynical take i post on this little exercise on a daily basis. part of my assignment for STEP TWO was to attempt to find some balance in my life, some yang to counter my yin, as it were. the little exercise to post a rainbow every day for the next 20 days or so, does force me to come up with something that i would have ordinarily glossed over. in fact, part of the problem, my problem that is, is that after my struggles to stay clean in the early days and find the willingness to become a member, most of my recovery journey has been relatively easy. what i see as just another day clean, i forget that my early recovery self, would have seen as freaking miracles. as i do a deep drop down to pick out a positive tidbit for this program, i can feel a bit of a change coming over me, and i mean a very teeny-tiny bit, i am certainly not going to be transformed into Mary Poppins, nor do i have the desire to be anything but what i am. i am not going to lie, or manufacture events to post and some days may just suck and i will have did deep to find a “nugget of positivity.” the best part of this little dive into the sunny side of the street, is that i can do so and maintain my anonymity, which i will jealousy guard throughout the process.
the temptation to “come out” as a recovering addict is ginormous. i can imagine the praise and laudatory responses i might get, when i say how long i have been doing this recovery gig and my ego is all over it. just think of how “wonderful” i will look‽ what i have hear is a perfect storm. i get some money in my HSA, i have all sorts of positive nuggets to share and my ego gets its greatest DESIRE ↬ recognition and praise! i mean seriously, what could possible be so bad as all of that? well, for one, the principle of selflessness goes right out the window and i lose any moral high ground to stand upon. things only get worse from there. what i think i will do, is frame my little bits of positive posting to my life as seen by the other 85% and keep my recovery stuff here and in the rooms. not a “Chinese Wall” of any sorts, but definite a separation, as i do know the consequences of what happens when my EGO takes over, balance is the last thing i seek to achieve.
time to get a few thousand steps in, before the heat builds up. while out there, get my daily nugget of sunshine and light, it is after all, not a bad little exercise for this addict and perhaps, if i were one to see “signs” i might even say, that perhaps it is the will of the POWER that fuels my recovery as i start the process of being restored to sanity.

∞ DT ∞