Blog entry for:

to all who follow in my path, a vision of hope.
today will end an era of service to the fellowship that has given me the gift of life. this afternoon, i will be resigning my last committee based service commitment and moving totally over to be just a worker bee, in the trenches working with the addict who still suffers, directly. this day has been coming for over a year now, and amazingly i have resisted with all my will, trying to reconcile how i feel, with the reality of what i am doing and in the end, it comes down to letting go and allowing some one, or even no one to take over the reins.
where is the HOPE? finally i am owning what i have suspected and been in the process of becoming for over a year. there are more than a few changes coming down the road as well, as i move into my new role as a full-time, permanent employee, as well as a full-time, permanent member of society. both of those transitions have been underway for quite some time and although i want to return to the world of being my own boss, doing what i want to do, when i want to do it and basically thumbing my nose at the so-called 9 to 5 set, i can no longer stomach the consequences of that sort of life and as the text says, what is appropriate for one phase of my recovery, may not be now. well the same holds true for my life in general. as i grow into the person i am becoming, i no longer have the same desires, dreams, or even ambitions any more. i sacrifice more than i want to, as i walk through my life in FEAR of what tomorrow will bring, financially as well as emotionally. today, no matter what, i will live in HOPE. yes it seems that all the men i sponsor are moving forward, some at my insistence and some, well they are just sick and tired. yes, my sponsor is going under the knife, and that may once again cure what ails him. yes i am the last man standing at work and proceeding very slowly on my current task. most importantly, i am not finishing up my side work with any dispatch and moving into what i really want to be doing, learning to golf. there are big changes happening in my life that are reflective of the process of recovery i have been undergoing and all of them need to be expressed today.
well as i sit here, i see that i have been led astray by a tangent. i guess, that being a beacon of hope, whatever the fVck that means, means that some of the time, i will not meet expectations, in fact, most of the time i will not be able to live up to most of the expectations that others have attached to me. owning that and being okay with seeing how i roll are without a doubt new and different ways of looking at myself, and if the newcomer can find HOPE, in me being me and being who i am, warts, dimples and all, than i guess that is the direction i need to go. it is time however to start the journey uphill and to the west, for another day of work. i am grateful for that opportunity today.

∞ DT ∞