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in active addiction, even if i was in total denial, was the reality of my life before the Justice System stepped in and forced me to do something about altering that destiny.one of the details that i choose each day, is which of the hundreds of html entities that i place my title between. i considered using the syringe, but decided against it, as it still is a bit triggering to me, if i were one to buy into the whole cause and effect gig that b“triggering” implies. i was never, ever “triggered” to use, i used because i liked to get high. i used because i liked to have my feelings numbed away. i used because ii believed i was entitled to use. i do not chide my peers, for saying they are triggered by this or that, as that is certainly how they see their lives. i am of the opinion, that i am only “triggered” when i am trying top dream up an excuse, to excuse the inexcusable.
ironically, the peer and friend who i was destined to become, is once again facing the consequences of their active addiction. had my resolve wavered on that night in New Jersey, i am pretty sure i would not have what i have today in fact, by this time in my life, i might have been reduced to carrying all my worldly possessions in a single trash bag (not necessarily a bad thing), living under a bridge and seeking out the dumpsters that had at least wrapped food in them, as i spent more and more time in the Boulder County Sheriff's Bed &Breakfast. as much as i hate to say it, getting arrested because i was ratted out and taking a plea bargain i could have fought was almost the best thing that ever happened to this addict. i was given the opportunity to live without getting high for long enough to have the desire to do something about it. as one of my peers said to me yesterday, no matter what our friend and peer does we both still have HOPE that they can and will get this.
i know my story is not the usual one, as most of those who get the “nudge from the judge” do not stick around long enough to get the life that living in active recovery provides. in fact, had i made some different decisions in the early days, i would not have “GOT” this. not being one of those who had lost everything, were “struck clean,” or were conscious of my desperation, my story perhaps does provide a beacon for the newcomer who is pissed off that they have to come to these “classes” or else they will be spending even more time incarcerated. as i prepare to get on some work out clothes and get miles and miles under my belt this morning, i see that when i whine and complain about not having enough of… i am denying what i have been given ↝ the chance to live another day clean. catcall, boo or hiss, as you so desire, today i will end with a bit of light from out of the mouth of this cynic. 🌈 🦄

∞ DT ∞