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i can say that without any qualifications or any lack of humility, because it is true. any addict, who stays clean for more than a day is a vision of HOPE for those who have the desire to stay clean. my act of staying clean day after day, AND still being visible to those who are just walking into the rooms as well as those who were here when i got here and those who came after i did and stayed, is the sources of that HOPE. i am put on a pedestal because i have some time clean? of course. will the person who placed me there discover that i have feet of clay? of course, as i am only human and an addict to boot. it is true that i live this program to the best of my ability. it is true that the results of doing that show. it is also true that i can and often do, lapse into less than stellar behaviors and have to own that as well. the day i believe i KNOW better than everyone else, is the day that i might as well use, as that is the moment that my relapse begins.
as dire and sad as that sounds, that i what i am feeling this morning as i write this little ditty. not dark and cynical, but not lightness of being either, somewhere in between, which is more than likely a good place to be. when i got my official results of the race yesterday it was 5 seconds more than i thought, BTW that result was 54 minutes and 15 seconds, so i am close to my goal, one more race this season should put me under that magic number, and i am going to start searching for it now. the human part of me is satisfied with that result, i feel sore and old this morning, so i am certain, i ran as hard as i could yesterday. the addict part, well i did not die, so i must have been slacking somewhere, so i could have done so much better, beating my stated goal and perhaps beating the unstated goal i had in my head. i know when i speak of the parts of me like they are separate and distinct i may sound crazy. i understand that they comprise the whole person and like Yin and Yang, none of the separate parts of me, when spun out on a spiritual centrifuge can exists on their own, all are needed to make me who i am. yes the addict within, is just as important as the man who would be more, when it comes to crating the person who is. enough of my Taoist wanderings, it is a fact that the addict within has lost his ascendency, and that is reason enough to see HOPE by my example.
which brings back to the top i guess. no i know. i can be a vision of HOPE because i am all of those pieces integrating into the whole.i can be a vision of HOPE, because i do not quit, when i feel down, tired or old. i can be a vision of HOPE when i do this gig, day after day, even when it is tough and especially when it is easy. most importantly, as i walk this path i can see the visions of HOPE that surround me each and every day, they too are doing in the fellowship, what i was unable to do by myself, integrate the addict into the whole and live a more balanced life as a result. with that thought in mind, i do believe i will hobble off to the showers and get what i need to get done today, done. i still have a small whirlwind of social activities to be a part of today.

∞ DT ∞