Blog entry for:

to openly admit the nature of my struggles in recovery.
it always amazes me when after i share my experience , strength and hope, that someone one, usually one of my sponsees, will come up and say that they had never realized that i could have ever been...
i forget what i look like to the newcomer, i do know, after all, i was a newcomer once upon a time. and may be again if i allow myself to slip away from doing those things that keep me living in recovery. but of course that is a digression and way off the topic of the reading.
it is just hard for me to accept, that i can be a vision of anything except what not to do. yes, that is yet another character defect for my list, minimizing the growth i have gone through on this journey from active addiction. so this reading speaks to me on more than one level. right off the top of my head, my first impression was that this was a twelfth step reading. living the program, and providing a vision for the new members of what their lives could become. it is that of course, and if i stopped there, i would never share about what was really going on in my twisted little head. the last thing i want to show someone who is new to recovery is what i am really like. an extension of that behavior would be to be on my best behavior whenever i was in view of the newer members, no anger, no gossip, and no self-degradation. this would present quite an image, and my feet of clay would be revealed before long, probably doing more damage than good. so what i take away from this line of thought, is to be myself: good, bad and indifferent. if i behave in that manner, i will not have anything to worry about. the other thing i take from this line of thought is to be open about what life in recovery is like. yes there are many gifts, and yes it is a whole lot easier than active addiction, BUT there are trials and tribulations to be met on a daily basis, and the HOPE is that i can face those and continue down the path of recovery. and so far that is what has been happening. i still have my demons to face, i still have very few clues about how to live, BUT i have tools, friends and a sponsor to help me get through this day without using. and with that thought time to face the cool rainy day that has materialized today.

∞ DT ∞