Blog entry for:

having relationships without barriers, is something i desire and at the same time FEAR. as i sit here this morning, after a few days of stewing, and after a few minutes of minor frustration, i am ready to get moving into my day and this reading reminds me of what really goes on inside of me. sometimes i live in this world in between light and dark, especially when it comes to relationships. i want and yet i do not want, so i go back and forth, exhausting myself doing absolutely nothing. eventually it all comes back to what i have learned in the program, namely that my job is to do my best to align my conscious will to that of the POWER that is the source of my recovery. of course, that will is for me to be a part of the world around. of course that will is for me to participate actively in my life and of course that will is for me to stay clean just for today. most importantly it is my FAITH that gives me the COURAGE to move into places that scare me sh!tless. the irony here, is that i used to go to places that no normal person would dare venture after dark, to get what i needed. i used to do things that were physically dangerous, just because i enjoyed the adrenalin rush that coming close to the edge provided me. and yet when it comes to truly intimate relationships i hesitate and cower in FEAR. the pain of nearly dying is less frightening for me than the pain of getting hurt by allowing someone to really get to know me. man how insane is that!
even today, there are time when i hold back, making someone earn my trust and respect, and i am wondering if that will ever get removed, or if it is just part of me that i will have to learn to tolerate and accept. even this daily exercise is designed for me to say just enough, but never really let my hair down. after all, there is no physical attachment to words on a screen and me. there really is nothing but the illusion of permanence, as i could decide at anytime to take this whole thing down and make it my private personal world. i can live in a world of smoke and mirrors, and as much as i would love to have all that removed, there is a large part of me that wants to create even more, so what you see is not what you get.
hence the living in the world between light and dark, hence all the effort to appear to be something i am not, and hence all the angst when someone just does not get me. whew, i mean how can anyone survive long putting out that much wasted effort. the easier, softer path? give in to my FEAR and stop trying to have relationships without barriers would appear on the surface to be the that solution. that however brings up what exactly is my true will for myself, and a life of isolating in a crowded world is not part of the vision of the man i wish to become. so, for me, it is to surrender to this program, allow myself to be open and develop into a person who is secure in who and what he is and allow others to become part of that person's life.
a long way round to get where i am going. just for today, i do believe i will allow myself to just be me, and see what happens.

∞ DT ∞