Blog entry for:

quite a concept and one that without a doubt rubs against all the social and cultural **training** that was my lot, growing up in the 60s and the 70s. i was taught to keep my cards close to my chest, so my insecurities and fears could not be used against me, and i learned those lessons very well. living life in the open, still raises more than a little FEAR, even with a minute or so clean. the nice part of this, is nowhere does it say that i have to let the entire world in. the choice to have deep and intimate relationships does require me being entirely open, but my desire to have those sort of relationships is limited to a select few. in one of those relationships, i am, however struggling to find a balance between what i want and what i think i can have.
coming out of a life based on the lie that i was broken and learning how to alter a relationship with the person that made me first wonder how broken i really was, has been challenging. in this part of our lives, their dependence on me grows on a daily basis, and my desire to allow that to happen, dwindles. i find myself doing whatever i can to limit my time with them and reduce the number of interactions i have with them and for the most part, that is a big FAIL. i have reached a place of forgiveness for what they did and have come to a place of acceptance about who they are today. that does not relieve my emotional burden of FEAR, UNCERTAINTY and DOUBT. i keep my life and the details of that life, on the down-low to them, no matter how hard they try and draw me out. in my mind, the safer and saner course is to maintain a firewall between who i am and who they think i am. that is truly a sad state of affairs and certainly a very familiar pattern of behavior for me. it is one of the lessons they taught me and it is more than ironic that i use it against them in the current state of these affairs. as the days pass, i may never come to trust them, but i just may find the means to open up, just enough to let them in a bit more.
this morning, as i get ready to hit the streets for my daily trip around the hood, i can be certain that i know what i am doing in this relationship and even more i know why i am doing it. some people just do not seem to understand that they are not the center of the universe and that they are alone and perhaps lonely, because of choices they have made over the course of their lives. they seem to be oblivious to the fact that those who are around, are there because of a sense of obligation and spending time with them is so odious it is a chore, rather than a gift. i am quite certain, that my distance has been detected, but if it is ignored, it does not exist. i know all about that sort of wishful thinking and today, i embrace the reality of my life, instead of drowning in a pool of self-pity field by my denial. it is a great day to be clean and open my heart to the intimacy i crave.

∞ DT ∞