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to anyone was never something i ever had plans of doing. in fact i was taught to keep everything under the hood and behind close doors. that my **game face** was all i was ever to show and certainly never, ever allow anyone to know what really went on, inside me head. even though i was still using, the very first time i read this entry, i KNEW that this was going to be an issue that tripped me up for a very, very, very long time and i was correct in that prognosis, way back when.
learning how to be open with those i love and cherish, has been a lifelong struggle for me. even though the steps and the suggestions i get from my peers, go a very long way to give me the tools to be “myself,” those echoes of my cultural training, still ring in my ears. every single time i step out, to reveal the man behind the curtain, as it were, i have to walk through FEAR, once more. it is almost as if, i have never experienced the joy of just being who i am and living the identity of the man of i am becoming. every single time, feels like the first time, and i am so f_cking tired of having to deal the FEAR, that sometimes it is just better to retreat to my safe place and leave it be.
this morning, after having stumbled across that rock in my path, i wonder if i will ever be fit company for the general public. here i sit, decades clean, still hiding behind the persona of an inscrutable, stoic, man, pretending that nothing bothers me and that what one sees is what one gets. the fact the matter is, i am bothered by the world today and if not for the physical exercise that i put myself through on a daily basis and living my spiritual path, i would be out there screaming at the top of my lungs as well.
so here i sit, quietly dealing with the turmoil inside as i readjust to the “new me” that is so much more than an addict in recovery and who no longer takes his identity from what he does. what me new identity is, is more than likely what it always was, i just was unwilling and unable to see myself as i really was. i became so good at being the man behind the curtain and showing that person to the world around me, that i began to believe that lie as truth. well today, the power behind the throne, is stepping out of the shadows and reclaiming his place in the world, after all, living in the FEAR of being found out, is far more painful than taking the reactions of the world around me, as i show my real self.

∞ DT ∞