Blog entry for:

was something i was humiliated, beaten and bullied into never, ever being allowed to be seen. decades of hiding and burying allowed this to become my pattern of living and as the steps removed the layers of sh!t from that core belief, i became more frightened than ever before. what would happen if the dam broke and i saw my real motivation for seeking to be seen as i was not? i can say that on this side of that flood of bottled up emotions and reactions that i am now more secure, certainly more genuine and see myself as worthy of being exactly who i am, regardless of the opinions of others. i do not need an acknowledgement of how i was wronged, nor do i require “forgiveness” for “making” someone do what they did. as i grow more assured in my identity, whatever that happens to be, i will respond more, react less and live in accordance with the principles that have formed my new pattern of living.
okay, this Kum-By-Yah moment is over, time to dig a bit deeper.
listening to the void this morning, i heard echoes from inside my “fortress of denial.” i could feel how safe it was in there and how allowing others to see what they wanted to see and accept me for the person i desired them to see, was a painful and very stressful manner of living. the games i was forced to develop, the people i had to manipulate and the falsehoods i had to manage, were at time overwhelming. recovery took part of that burden away, when i no longer had to hide what and how much i was doing to manage my addiction. i was not, however, any close to letting go of what i was not, as i was certain i needed to keep that layer for my own protection. even to this day, i longingly look back with nostalgic recall to a life with no one who knew me and how i could hide in my shell, without having to be a part of anything, unless i chose to do so and only on my own terms. living as i really am is spooky.
participating in the games of others, while interesting and fun, up to a point, is not the sort of relationships i desire today. i do realize that perhaps that is all they know and they are too scared to step out from behind that curtain, so it is up to me to forgive them and play by their rules. knowing who i am and uncovering what makes me tick, means that i do not have to develop any new games and in fact, i can leave all those i so carefully crafted over the course of my life, behind. as i prepare to step out on this grey and damp morning. i need to remember what it took for me to release my past and move into the here and now. i am grateful that the process put people into my life that are here for me, on levels i never expected, ebacuse i allowed them to see what i am, putting the what i am not into the trash bin, hopefully permanently.

∞ DT ∞