Blog entry for:

about my imperfections, those imperfections will cease to exist. it is a wonderful life, when one is an ostrich. all sorts of things disappear when i ignore them and the events that transpire because i CHOOSE not to decide, always have wonderful and pleasant outcomes. living life by default and lurking in the shadows are two very familiar behaviors and when i get to comment on them, i desire to say, not me, no way, my life is a freaking open book that anyone can peruse at any time. the sad fact of life in my world, is that the remnants of those revenants linger on and the fear i feel over being revealed to be something i am not, is still a force to be reckoned with, daily.
last night, i GOT to share a little bit of my recovery and i touched on this issue as part of a theme that mirrored the reading yesterday, “we do recover.” this morning i had a similar set of thoughts, that for as long as i can remember, my greatest fear is that i am not “good enough.” oh i can act as if that is not the case, carry myself assertively and with confidence and most of the time, i do a pretty good job pulling it off. i do not walk around, playing at being something i am not, for the most part, recovery has taught me that i am okay being who i am, and yet my insecurities still are present enough, to color my behaviors. i still want to appear as a “paragon of virtue, ” and the “model” of a recovering addict, even though i am quite certain that i am not. it is okay today to have a fear or three and show them to my friends and peers, even though that in and of itself is a fearful than having fears. what i took away this morning and last night, is that i can be fearful and yet i can also walk forward with my life, through those fears and exercise a bit of courage.
on being myself? well that i still a work in progress, and i really detest falling back on the whole progress not perfection paradigm, as i feel i often use that as a justification for acting out, not that much unlike “practicing.” today, i guess i can be okay letting others into my life and the fact that i try to keep what i do not like about myself on the down-low, is certainly a shortcoming i can surrender into the care of the POWER that fuels my recovery.

∞ DT ∞