Blog entry for:

my pain, or my neediness, so i simply refuse to admit to them or **GASP** expose them. certainly goes to theme that i have been developing recently, self-acceptance is the key to unlock what i want to become. a HUGE part in hiding this stiff from others comes down to hiding this from myself. when i was an addict in active addiction, none of this happened, since i allowed not a single soul to get close enough to see who i was at the core. this included but was not limited to my ex-wife, my family, my peers at work, my friends, or my multiple sex partners. if i strutted my stuff and kept everyone at arm''s length, with arrogance and contempt, i would never be vulnerable and could not get hurt. nice work when you can get it.
as an abstinent addict, without the crutch of a substance or three to bolster my resolve and remove my fears and insecurities, this trick while still possible, led to greater and greater cognitive dissonance, between what i wanted: a life full of people who cared about me, and what i was willing to accept: no pain and no vulnerability. i can tell you first hand, that this state was among the most miserable times in my clean-time existence. and yet, while i noodled around with technically working the steps, i could not let go of my fear of the pain of human contact, that being vulnerable may bring into my life. until i was ready to let go of my need to look good, even when i was practicing a program of active recovery, i stayed sick in this respect and took on all sorts of different roles to appease the beast within: being free from the pain that others can inflict.
a quick foray into my weekend chores and i am back.
the question really that this reading and the direction i have take, boils down to this: am i more afraid of being alone than i am being hurt? competing fears, that have battled for supremacy for as long as i can remember, and this battle, as part of my life in recovery is becoming quite weary. the decision i make today, is to acknowledge both of those fears, accept they are part of me, and do the next right thing. i surrender them into the care of the POWER that fuels my recovery and allow the recovery process to take place. this journey, is me becoming the man that i have always wanted to be, even before i knew what that man looked like. i can be open and vulnerable and i can accept that there are consequences, some i find pleasing and others, not so much. FEAR has stopped me often enough in my life, that today, i do my utmost to find a bit of courage and walk through those dark and fearful places, to the light of active recovery on the other side. yes, that was definitely a daisy, but not quite a rainbow and certainly not a unicorn.
when all is said and done, moving forward, clean and in active recovery, is the ONLY path i desire today, and i know what i need to do.
right here and right now?
shower off, boot-up a laptop, and get pounding on the commitments i have made and maybe, if the rain stays away for a few more hours, i may get my yard mowed as well. it is a great day to be clean.

∞ DT ∞