Blog entry for:

i will take advantage of them so that i can draw closer to those i love. sitting with my sponse the other night, he said the exact phrase during my FIFTH STEP, that i read this morning. no matter how close i get to others, they WILL get no closer than the secret i was carrying. the reading spoke of defects of character and such, and i certainly can see how i want to hide those as i walk through my life, what i did not see, was how carrying a secret and the shame i carried because of it, was keeping from allowing others to see me as i am.
does that mean i am going to spill the beans here this morning, in the interest of total disclosure?? are you fVcking NUTS!? NO WAY. i what i will say, is that i am no longer carrying the shame that truly belongs to someone else, i was not present and therefore, there was nothing i could do to prevent it. i can also state that IT WAS NOT RIGHT AND I AM PISSED THAT IT HAPPENED. i can now be angry and hurt over the betrayal of trust of the act itself, and express those emotions to the perpetrator of the deed, and not carry that inside, using it as a tool against me.
my guilt? i shut down when i discovered it and ignored it for the sake of others.
my shame? i allowed the reality and fantasy to intermix, until they became inseparable, and i could no longer tell the difference.
the end result? a bitter a\and cold man, that was almost as hard on others, especially those i love the most, as he was on himself.
so where does that all leave me today? in Bountiful, Utah, hungry and still carrying the physical detritus of a day of travel. so i guess the time has come to jump in the shower, get ready to face today, just as i am, and find something to eat. service beckons and i am ready to serve.

∞ DT ∞