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without barriers, quite a novel idea. the problem as i see it is, to have such relationships, my life needs to be an open book. there are certainly moments, days even weeks when i have the desire to do what it takes, BUT i always fall back into my habit of only showing what i want to be seen. that desire is also highly dependent of how important that relationship is in my scheme of things. i am much more willing to be totally open with the woman with whom i share my life, than with my peers in the room. of course, even that falls by the wayside when i move into my risk seeking behaviors and keeping those on the down-low and getting away with them is part of the thrill.
well my fat fingers strike again and i get to move forward from the last place i saved my work. dang it all, i was on a roll! where i was, was looking the days between when i got clean and finally entered recovery. it is ironic that the opportunity i had to use was what drove me into having the desire to stay clean. i had gotten away with all sorts of shady stuff up to that point. i may not have been using but i was hardly a “paragon of virtue.” i was not overtly stealing or lying, but i was certainly not being honest, open-minded, or willing. in fact the more i “looked” like the model addict in recovery, the shadier my behavior became.
as i sit here this morning on day two of my “stay-cation,” i really do wonder what would have happened if i had slaked my thirst in one of those many opportunities i had way back when. i do know that i would have certainly lied about it, to my peers, my probation office, my family and my friends. the more i lived that lie, the sicker i would have become and i am not certain that i would have entered recovery. the nice part of hindsight is that i do not need to worry about what if i did this or that. the fact is, i have lived through those days and today, i am more willing to be open to those in my life. i am still far from an open book, but here is where i love to fall back on a cliché ⇝ this is a program of progress not perfection! 🤗 so off to the coding tree to finish my code audition and get it submitted, to see if it is good enough for an interview.

∞ DT ∞