๐ท relationships ๐ท
Posted: Sun, Jul 28, 2019 12:57:11 PM
without barriers, quite a novel idea. the problem as i see it is, to have such relationships, my life needs to be an open book. there are certainly moments, days even weeks when i have the desire to do what it takes, BUT i always fall back into my habit of only showing what i want to be seen. that desire is also highly dependent of how important that relationship is in my scheme of things. i am much more willing to be totally open with the woman with whom i share my life, than with my peers in the room. of course, even that falls by the wayside when i move into my risk seeking behaviors and keeping those on the down-low and getting away with them is part of the thrill.
well my fat fingers strike again and i get to move forward from the last place i saved my work. dang it all, i was on a roll! where i was, was looking the days between when i got clean and finally entered recovery. it is ironic that the opportunity i had to use was what drove me into having the desire to stay clean. i had gotten away with all sorts of shady stuff up to that point. i may not have been using but i was hardly a “paragon of virtue.” i was not overtly stealing or lying, but i was certainly not being honest, open-minded, or willing. in fact the more i “looked” like the model addict in recovery, the shadier my behavior became.
as i sit here this morning on day two of my “stay-cation,” i really do wonder what would have happened if i had slaked my thirst in one of those many opportunities i had way back when. i do know that i would have certainly lied about it, to my peers, my probation office, my family and my friends. the more i lived that lie, the sicker i would have become and i am not certain that i would have entered recovery. the nice part of hindsight is that i do not need to worry about what if i did this or that. the fact is, i have lived through those days and today, i am more willing to be open to those in my life. i am still far from an open book, but here is where i love to fall back on a cliché ⇝ this is a program of progress not perfection! 🤗 so off to the coding tree to finish my code audition and get it submitted, to see if it is good enough for an interview.
well my fat fingers strike again and i get to move forward from the last place i saved my work. dang it all, i was on a roll! where i was, was looking the days between when i got clean and finally entered recovery. it is ironic that the opportunity i had to use was what drove me into having the desire to stay clean. i had gotten away with all sorts of shady stuff up to that point. i may not have been using but i was hardly a “paragon of virtue.” i was not overtly stealing or lying, but i was certainly not being honest, open-minded, or willing. in fact the more i “looked” like the model addict in recovery, the shadier my behavior became.
as i sit here this morning on day two of my “stay-cation,” i really do wonder what would have happened if i had slaked my thirst in one of those many opportunities i had way back when. i do know that i would have certainly lied about it, to my peers, my probation office, my family and my friends. the more i lived that lie, the sicker i would have become and i am not certain that i would have entered recovery. the nice part of hindsight is that i do not need to worry about what if i did this or that. the fact is, i have lived through those days and today, i am more willing to be open to those in my life. i am still far from an open book, but here is where i love to fall back on a cliché ⇝ this is a program of progress not perfection! 🤗 so off to the coding tree to finish my code audition and get it submitted, to see if it is good enough for an interview.
∞ DT ∞