Blog entry for:

this is actually the second time i have tried to write this blog today. i had one started and rambled my way to this idea and my browser decided to crash.

ARGHHHHH!
...so it goes....

so after that brief digression i can actually write about what i am thinking. i always feel like some bad riverboat gambler in a ‘B’ movie when it cones to what i reveal about myself. i look at the cards i am holding -- what has been revealed about me through the process of recovery and try to decide how much of the hand i will show. since i always feel i am bluffing i only put out my best parts and try to hide those things that i find unacceptable. as the reading suggests, i am afraid that if anyone saw those cards i would never win the grand prize -- a relationship. after all who could love someone that is self-righteous, judgmental, self-centered and selfish???
well i do -- i have found that the more of me that i accept, the more i love myself. and the more i love and accept myself, the more i can trust myself to be who i really am. the more i trust myself, the less i care about hiding my less than stellar parts. and the result of that process is that i no longer have to bluff my way through winning the pot. yes it is a gamble every time i try and form a new relationship, or take a relationship to a new level. yes, i still have the fear of rejection rattling around my empty little head. yes, somewhere deep inside of me is that little boy who did not fit in anywhere and still screams to withdraw before getting hurt. BUT without taking a risk or three, i will never have more than i have now and to me, right now, that prospect is unacceptable. so i will share what i need to today to get what my heart truly desires -- deep and lasting relationships.
∞ DT ∞