Blog entry for:

in relationships without barriers often causes me more fear than almost any other situation in life. i am not quite sure where my head is these days. i read this reading, sat down started to quietly listen for what i NEEDED to hear and promptly forgot what this reading was all about, especially the tag line at the end. there are at least two things i can take away from that experience, or at least to mutually exclusive ideas, either i do this intimacy gig so well, i need not concern myself with it. or i accept that i will always have stuff to hide and cover-up in all of my relationships, so this does not apply. either way the result is the same, “nothing to see here, move along.”
the real truth, is somewhere in between, but being the person i am, i reach for the extremes, the so-called black and white answers before moving into the various possibilities in between. black and white is so much more clear cut and easier that the mess of in between, that it makes perfect sense to do so. avoiding the easier, softer way, what may be going on with me, is that i have so many other things on my mind, stuff that involves everyone else but me, that i can be distracted from what is going on inside of me. i want to look good, an d more importantly, these days i want to feel good about myself, and lately, i have found the latter lacking in my life. do not get me wrong, i accept who i am, and i accept where i am in my life and my recovery and find none of that severely lacking. no what i find myself doing more and more, i holding back my opinions and life as i see it from my peers. some of my interactions with others, make me feel dirty, like back ion the day, right after i accomplished a major scam and then the drugs wore off. i want to say stuff like: “dude, are you serious? maybe you should dust off your step work and get working on that!” and yet i shake my head, smile and pretend, and pull a bit further back, because more and more i find myself, less and less tolerant of how they are acting. there once was a day, when i would have just said that they NEEDED to get working, unsolicited and without any preamble at all. i still have friends, with whom i do that and those relationships continue to thrive. however, most of my relationships are not on that level, and i learned long ago that unless asked, keep my opinions to myself, which continues to serve me well today. so i struggle between distance and intimacy, with distance winning out, time and again, and although it certainly is the safest, it has become more and more tolerable to me, as the option i want to exercise, because it will lead to self-banishment from the very group of people that i NEED in my life.
…and so it goes…
life in my head today, is far from very neat, cut or dried. what am i going to do? put this away for now, live with the fact i just walked away from an opportunity mainly because i was unwilling to dissect my career and figure out what the fVck the recruiter wanted and sell myself. yes, today that feels like the next right thing to do, as the message i am getting is that perhaps, i am right where i am supposed to be, and that, at least for here and now, is more than just okay with with me. ,perhaps the ennui and distance i am feeling, is part of my spiritual growth process and all i need to do is to wait. perhaps i need to call my sponse and sit down with him. whatever the answer is, today i can go to work and solve the problem i was saddled with on Friday, it si after all a good day to be more than i ever was.

∞ DT ∞