โ denial, secrets, intimacy and videotapes. โ
Posted: Fri, Jul 28, 2006 06:40:31 AM
the fortress of denial will come crashing down, enabling me to build up our relationships with others!
exactly how do those ideas relate, or have i just created some sort of a non-sequitur to get my blog site to break through the next little barrier and become that much more popular.
well actually i do have something in mind. part of the problem when i think about what secret shame i am carrying, is that i see it as a part of me that is beyond redemption. when i load up the videotape that runs through my head, the feelings of disgust overwhelm me and i stop the tape right there and quickly move on to something else like shopping or eating or obsessing over how to make my lawn the greenest, most weed-free lawn on the block! the fortress of denial that my disease erected and maintained with my use of mind-altering and mood-altering substances, has withstood another direct hit. and i wonder if i will ever get better. the truth of the matter in actuality is that each time i visit those secret places and allow the tape to play all the way through, the more the walls of my fortress crumble from the inside. and once i have played that tape, i can see that disgust and shame are not the same. i can be disgusted with my past behaviors, and the consequences those behaviors on myself and others, and let disgust become guilt. the problem arises when the part of me i call my disease changes those feelings of disgust and guilt into shame. shame is how that part of me ensures that the fortress will not crumble completely and it is my shame, secret and toxic, that keeps me separated from those i love.
so what to do? well i could blurt all my most shameful secrets right here...
... no on second thought i think i will be a bit more selective in who i confide in today -- after all -- i am not that healthy yet! :))
exactly how do those ideas relate, or have i just created some sort of a non-sequitur to get my blog site to break through the next little barrier and become that much more popular.
well actually i do have something in mind. part of the problem when i think about what secret shame i am carrying, is that i see it as a part of me that is beyond redemption. when i load up the videotape that runs through my head, the feelings of disgust overwhelm me and i stop the tape right there and quickly move on to something else like shopping or eating or obsessing over how to make my lawn the greenest, most weed-free lawn on the block! the fortress of denial that my disease erected and maintained with my use of mind-altering and mood-altering substances, has withstood another direct hit. and i wonder if i will ever get better. the truth of the matter in actuality is that each time i visit those secret places and allow the tape to play all the way through, the more the walls of my fortress crumble from the inside. and once i have played that tape, i can see that disgust and shame are not the same. i can be disgusted with my past behaviors, and the consequences those behaviors on myself and others, and let disgust become guilt. the problem arises when the part of me i call my disease changes those feelings of disgust and guilt into shame. shame is how that part of me ensures that the fortress will not crumble completely and it is my shame, secret and toxic, that keeps me separated from those i love.
so what to do? well i could blurt all my most shameful secrets right here...
... no on second thought i think i will be a bit more selective in who i confide in today -- after all -- i am not that healthy yet! :))
∞ DT ∞