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"we are only as sick as our secrets"
"intimacy stops where secrets begin"
very appropriate for me today. i need to remember that if i want an honest and open relationship as an equal that i need to give my entire self, even those things that are less than stellar. this is not about being "safe", but more about growth.
i know there are parts of me, which some may call character defects, of which i am not too proud about. my instinct is to hide those pieces to make myself "look" more attractive to those i wish to have a relationship with. the paradox here is that by hiding any part of me, i actually lose the chance to grow into a strong loving intimate relationship with anyone. the JFT this morning was correct in saying that intimate relationships was what i most desire but also what i most fear.
all of my life before recovery i kept my distance from people by not allowing them to see everything. i could be anyone i needed to be in any situation merely by showing what i needed to, to impress those i was trying to impress. as a result no one really knew who and what i was and i believed that made me safe from being hurt. it also kept me from having any relationships of consequence. friends were actually acquaintances, lovers were actually semen receptacles and family members were accidents of my birth.
and you know i thougght i was happy,safe and without a care in the world. since getting clean however, my true desires have been revealed and i want to be more, this is after all a disease of more.
so today i must take a chance or three and let those whom i share my life with see me in all my glory, warts and all, and come to know the man i have become. in order to do this i must not only be honest with them but with myself anf learn to tolerate and accept myslef as i am today.