Blog entry for:

another person to step up and help me, i give them a chance to express their own love and generosity. i have to admit, allowing others to step up to help me, is still a tough thing for me to do. i still can hear the echoes of my past selves, screaming at me that allowing someone to help me was admitting that i was weak and feeble, and invalid of sorts, and i NEVER want to be seen as someone who cannot take care of themself, in all situations. it is obvious that in my personal relationships, that sort of blast from the past does not serve me very well, at all.
as i listened in the void this morning, i could hear that all the concern shown to me, because i opened up about my melanoma was a good thing and validated the fact that maybe it is okay to be human after all. i have finally reached a place in my life, where as stoic as i want to be, is perhaps a bit overdone. it is more than a bit ironic that cynicism and stoicism have defined me for quite some time. being stoic, at least in my sickest fever dreams, meant not showing any sort of emotion nor letting anyone in. now i see it as not falling apart at the first obstacle i encounter. i have a friend who has been around the program for nearly twenty years and the only extended amount of clean time they have gotten was when they were a guest of DOC of the local county jail. at the slightest interruption of their plans or a feeling that makes them uncomfortable, they are off sticking their head in the medicine jar. they act all tough in a crowd, but in reality they are the perfect example of a snowflake, melting at the slightest bit of heat.
i get that, as it was the manner in which i grew up, sensitive and unwilling to go past the first roadblock. using made me fearless and more than once i went way further than i ought to have gone. when i got hurt, of course, i hid my injury, lied about how i got it and did my best to minimize showing any sort of pain. i limped through life emotionally crippled and without any connections, because i saw that as the easier and much softer way. i am certainly glad that i do not have to live in that manner anymore, even though some of the time it may seem like a good idea. that is one that always requires a second thought, just for today.

∞ DT ∞