Blog entry for:

active addiction has been arrested, and now anything is possible! sitting here starting at my monitor and glancing at the pile of work i have to accomplish this week, i could and am tempted to whine about too much. i then remember that for the longest time over the course of this past year, the problem has been a clear desktop with no projects to hammer away at, when i go there instead, i am struck with a feeling of gratitude, which is what i heard after quieting my overactive mind down for the few brief minutes i accomplished this morning.
what you came here to find was not a bunch of clichés about the prevailing party line, and what i really want to write is something a bit more poignant than that. while it is quite true, that i am grateful today, it is just as true that gratitude is often replaced with rage, that rage starts when i realize how different i am from the so-called “normal” world, and sitting down with my sponsor the other day, only reinforced that realization, as we were speaking, he and i both with incredulous about how the other half, for the most part, seem to make decisions that expand their futures, while we, when in active addiction, see to make decisions that limit our choices and future possibilities. and that my friends SUCKS. why is it that i have to learn what come naturally to the majority of the world? why is it that i have no concept of doing just one, or going on a one-night bender and walking away from it? why is it, that one bit of acting-out or using triggers a cascade that takes a POWER greater than me to stop? why, why, why!???
boy, even just writing that down, gets me a bit worked up! so where do i go from here? well the first step tells me i must surrender to that difference and learn to accept it as fact PERIOD. the SECOND STEP provide the pathway to HOPE that although that is true, and more than likely will never change, there is a way out. that gateway to a better life is only limited by the scope of my SECOND STEP, and all i have to do, is to allow the process to manifest itself within me. no i will never be free of the malady of addiction, that much i have visible evidence for, both from my own life and from the life of those who still attempt to go out and test those waters. I CAN HOWEVER, live a life of active recovery that arrests active addiction and allows me the opportunity to become the man i have always wanted to be. that is where i think i will go this morning, yes i have a ton of work, yes i have to run a bunch opf errands, yes i have to think of something to give my significant other for her clean date anniversary tomorrow and yes, i have to get my a$$ to a meeting tonight, BUT all of that is only possible because i have the HOPE that i can be a better person than i was yesterday, IF I LIVE A PROGRAM OF ACTIVE RECOVERY and let the process work its magic in me. so the time has come to hit the streets and finish off this workout cycle, then back to the keyboard to get done what i need to do. it is a good day to be on this side of the dirt and to have the desire to stay clean, no matter what.

∞ DT ∞