Blog entry for:

than i ever dreamed was possible, just because i ended up **sentenced** three years of forced abstinence. it is hard on some days to feel grateful for the manner in which i was introduced to this program of recovery. at that time, i could tell myself that i was not as desperate as the poor bedraggled souls i saw in the rooms, after all i was only in the rooms long enough to get off paper. i was not an addict of any sort and the only drug problem i has was that i could no longer use with the frequency and amounts that i had grown accustomed to using. yes, i WAS DIFFERENT and did my my utmost to make myself even more different, while feigning that i believed i was the same. of course, if i had held true to my original vision, i would not be here today, writing this little ditty and facing yet another anniversary of the day i used fro the very last time. that last use was on my way to a fellowship camp-out and i have done my part in cleaning up the consequences of that particular mess.
this morning i have needed up being responsible for opening my home group, which is not a bad thing. HOWEVER, i could have taken on this task yesterday, when offered the chance. as part of the conscious choices i am making on a daily basis, one is to NOT take on anyone's stuff. that little decision, based on self-interest, led to the meeting being held outside. what i used was my DESIRE to not take on anyone else's stuff to justify having the morning free from responsibility. what it led to, was more than a bit of chaos and the lesson learned, was that when i dive under spiritual camouflage, i am choosing to do the next wrong thing.
i did get a walk in. i did deal with a bit of planned chaos around the fantasy football league i am part of. i did get to a meeting and i am now ready to put away all spiritual stuff and dive into competition and more than a little shit-talking with my friends in recovery, while we do something not recovery related. oh yeah, and all of a sudden my sponsees are waking up and talking about the chaos they have invited into their lives. over the next few day, i will have the opportunity to look at my stuff through the lens of their stuff. maybe, just maybe, their stuff will open a window into mine.

∞ DT ∞