Some memes

has my life changed as a result of recovery? that is a question i ask just about this time very year, as i am within fourteen days of my the anniversary of my clean date. every year, go go down the tried and true path of popping off a few clichés and bon mots and parroting how much better everything is, including me. as i merrily trip down that path, i gloss over the work that it took for me to get here and the price i have paid for the growing awareness of who i am and what my life has been. today, sitting at the summit of an emotional fourteener, i see that the direction i take into the next phase of my recovery, is a decision i get to make, BECAUSE i have been given freedom from active addiction. i can say that i will get the details of a Thanksgiving week trip to Costa Rica worked out. i will resolve my feelings around those who are in my life, but have caused a great deal of pain and suffering as a result of being in my life. most importantly ii will stop living in the pain and shame of that moment and forgive myself for being a kid and taking on what i took on. that is certainly my path towards the future.
today, i get to decide what my life looks like. i know that not judging how “good” a day happens to be, is confusing to many. to me, it keeps me from going down a rabbit hole of focusing on the details of what happened and forgetting that i GET to live through those moments, because i got clean, found recovery and stayed here. when it comes down to it, expressing my gratitude is a task i can choose to do. whether i wrap it up[ in all sorts of trivial sweet nothingness or bluntly and succinctly express by living the life i do, does not matter. i am clean today. i am in recovery today, although over the past eighteen months, i was tempted to fall into a chemically induced haze to fuzz the pain i felt. those who are like me, can understand that changing the way i feel, sometimes looks like a better alternative than feeling my way through the pain. as i step out into the streets this morning, i will take with me a sense of knowing i am who i am today, because i surrendered to a life of recovery from addiction and i can walk away from those who choose not to respect my boundaries.

∞ DT ∞