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has my life changed since becoming a member in the 12 step fellowship i call my home? a question i could ask myself on a daily basis, but generally, never ask myself, unless i get challenged to do so, by a reading or another member flat-out stating it. the fact is, i take my life, in all its current glory for granted. i forget about the struggles, physical and emotional i had, way back when. i forget that i was nearly unemployable and always one paycheck away from living under a bridge. i forget i was incapable of giving and receiving love. i forget that all my relationships were quid pro quo, and i wanted to have ALL the power in each and every one of them. this litany of what i once was and could become, could go on and on and on. i will choose to end it here and consider all of what i have been given as a result of my freedom from active addiction as the gifts that they are.
most of the time, i seem to focus on the “what is not” part of my life in active recovery. part of that is my homage to the “false humility” that i found some of my peers practiced with aplomb. wanting to be part of instead of freaking different i hopped on that bandwagon. the nice part, at least for me, is that fit with the story that my years of braggadocio and story-inflation, needed to be countered by serious self-abasement and rewriting the story of who i was, once again. what i adopted was a version of an ancient tale of woe, about how i was not good enough anyhow, so instead of trying to keep that under the covers, i might as well own it, and wear it out in public. so the false humility gig was on and stayed on, for days, months and even years.
my “uncovery” of the notion that i am cynical by nature plays well with the story that i MUST appear to be lower than my peers, in order to achieve parity with them, in my own sick and twisted world of never-ending judgement. the insanity of that whole little song and dance, is that the extremes, that could be true, generally are not and it is in my lack of balance, as i swing form pole to pole, that create the unmanageable situations in my life and my inner self. the gift that i am grateful for here, is my ability, as i heard another addict say, “is to be able to put that thought into a sentence.”
as i sat at the meeting last night, i was struck by how ungrateful i can be about having the ability to feed myself, clothe myself and provide myself a place to live, a home. while i have never been homeless, i have tottered on the brink more than once, and even in recovery. today, i can accept that maybe, just maybe, the story i tell myself about needing more approval from my peers and loved ones, that i can get by abasing myself, is one i can let go of, or at least come to believe that the POWER that fuels my recovery, will provide me the means to do so. there is more than a bit of gratitude in that, and in case i was not clear enough in my ramblings, the gifts beyond mere abstinence are far more important to me, than i let on. it is because i have moved beyond mere abstinence and see addiction as part of who i am, that i can become more than i ever was and maybe, today, for a change i will focus on the “what is.”

∞ DT ∞