Blog entry for:

in this part of my annual cycle, as i try and get past how much i do NOT have or how far i have NOT gone, it is an excellent reminder to look at the flip-side of those suppositions. i often avoid the whole half-empty argument by saying i am grateful to have a glass at all, regardless of how much volume it currently contains. there are times however, when i do have to step up and take a stand and the battle of the “i'm not worthys” is kicking my butt and i need a bit of respite from it today.
it would be wonderful to say, that life is super great, i am super grateful and i cannot wait to get to my next super thrilling meeting. i am however, not quite in that “yippy-skippy” frame of mind. i am less filled with doom and gloom this morning and when i allow myself, i can actually see that i am, as the reading spoke to yesterday, doing better than i feel like i am. the irony of all of this is, that when i think i am doing good, no one seems to be attracted to me and when i think i am sick and twisted i seem to accumulate new sponsees. the message i get from that, is that i really am not a good judge of how much i have to give away, and when i feel that i really, really have something to give away, it is nothing that anyone wants. so where is all of this going?
well, what i am feeling now, is that i am grateful that i have people in my life, who can show and tell me how well i am doing. i am fairly sure that the service work i do, is a good thing. i am fairly certain that as i wrap up my eleventh step i can and will come to a better accommodation of my beliefs and those of the fellowship and be able to express those ideas simply, succinctly and clearly. i am also fairly certain, that all things being equal, i will choose to stay clean and live clean until my clean date comes around to be celebrated. as i write that stuff down, i do start to feel the warm glow of gratitude, that i sometimes get when i am in the here and now, and not the there and then. or maybe it is just the coffee kickin' in :) regardless of what i may be at this time, i can see that the light at the end of this particular tunnel is not a train.
looking at where i am not, the converse of the suppositions above, can certainly help as well. sure i am a member of the No Matter what Club, but my recovery means so much more, and i am not stuck there. today i have a job, a career, loving relationships, peers, friends and family members who want me around, instead of just grudgingly accept my presence. today i have the resources to keep a roof over my head, the lights, TV and the internet on. today i have the desire to be something more than just a garden variety addict, even though i will always be that. today i have the desire and the ability to listen for the guidance i need, without thinking about it, just being here and feeling it. today i have all the choices that active addiction kept me from seeing, and for all of that, i can feel the gratitude start to sink in. sure all of that is great, but i still want more, which tells me that i am still an addict, for after all, addiction is all about more, more and still more. desire is the root of my addiction and the self-obsessed nature of an addict, never seems to go completely away, and for that i guess i also am grateful as it keeps me in the here and now, and a member of the fellowship that has given me this newq way to live.

∞ DT ∞