Blog entry for:

anything is possible, especially as i let go of who i think i am, and where i think i may be going., FREEDOM from active addiction is quite the gift. may of my peers, seem to speak as if they are never free from addiction, or if the acknowledge that freedom, it is on a very tenuous and contingent basis. it seems to me, that they walk under a cloud of FEAR, that relapse will just drop out of the sky, attack them against their will and in ten days they will have spun their lives down to where they started from. what puzzles me the mostly, is that they say that they are glad to be no longer “owned by dope,” but seem to neglect everything else that recovery has given them. with that preface, i guess it is time for me to move from looking at them and cast my spotlight on myself.
being grateful is not a state that comes to me naturally. i have always been bitter, cynical and critical of the lot life tosses me on a daily basis. this whole “walking in gratitude” gig, is often an act i put on for my peers, because i do NOT want them to see me as i really am. when i write about the difference between my life, way back when and today, it is nearly impossible not to find a bit of gratitude. nice use of a qualifier there, n'est-ce pas. sure that is one of those Captain Obvious Jedi mind tricks, look at way back when and look at now. what about the difference between today and a year ago, a month ago, a week ago or even <GASP> yesterday, do any of those comparisons hold the same epic proportions as the first one? here is when i duck my head and run for cover, because honestly, not all that much has changed since yesterday. as the length of time increases, the change is easier and easier to spot and quantify. IF i choose to let go of my bias and prejudice, can even see changes yesterday, especially in my attitudes, in my hopes and in my aspirations for this slice of twenty-four hours,m, but i am no less the cynic that i was yesterday and i still have that little feeling in the back of my head, that just as some of my peers do, relapse is just waiting for me to stumble and then it will rumble over me. when do i get to move from a FEAR based state of constant vigilance to one based on FAITH, that is i am diligent in living my program, i will NOT relapse.
my eternal internal struggle with FEAR and FAITH, makes for amusing and often ironic situations. top that off with a huge dollop of having to present the perfect front to the entire world, and what you get is a man walking around in a swirl of confusion. the kernel of HOPE in all of that, is i can choose to allow myself to drink that little drop of poison or i can find a bit of gratitude in that i am not dope sick, broke, homeless, unemployable or uncaring any longer. with my physical needs met, i am freed to work on my emotional and spiritual ones, and that task is one i gratefully accept today.
it is off to a job that i hate a little less than yesterday and into a world that is not as cold to me as the day before. i am starting to glimpse a new path for me to walk, and it just might be the nuclear blast that i need to rocket myself into the next dimension.

∞ DT ∞