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than mere abstinence, as trite as that may sound, what i heard this morning was certainly more in line with being grateful for what i have been given, that extends far beyond losing the desire to use. one of the gifts i have received is how to make a “proper” apology. no one really cares about “why” i acted poorly and everything past “i am sorry i did that and how can i make it better,” is an attempt to make myself feel better, by justifying and rationalizing away any of my responsibility. i also know that any time i am resorting to rationalization and justification, i am lying, to myself, to others and to the world around me, in an attempt to cast blame anywhere else but on myself. how do i know this? i am well-versed in the practice of deflecting blame and abdicating my responsibility and only through this program of recovery, have i come to see how destructive that sort of behavior is for me.
if i chose to let this program of recovery end at “mere abstinence” as many of my peers seem to do, i would have never come to the place where i desire more for myself, spiritually, physically and emotionally. i can express my gratitude to a program of recovery that kept me engaged long enough in mere abstinence to see that i could be so much more. once upon time not all that long ago, i felt aloof and alone in this world. no one “got” me and if i ever let anyone in, so they could “get” i was bound to get decimated. as the events of the past few years have challenged me in ways that i once thought were beyond my capabilities to handle, i know that i may still remain some sort of enigma to those around me, but, just for today, there is a greater chance that may see the “real” as i am willing to reveal it, to those who look. the desire to show who i am to the world around me, is something i am especially grateful for this morning and it is only through living an active program of recovery i “get” have that desire.

∞ DT ∞