Blog entry for:

has my life changed? well for one thing, it sure looks a helluva lot more **normal** than it ever did before. yes this year, my annual cycle of craziness seems to be focused on looking **normal,** hence i must be becoming **normal.** the irony here is that i NEVER wanted to be **normal,** not once when i was growing up, never in active addiction and certainly not way back when i got clean. now it seems to consume me and it does not take much deeper thought to figure out where that is going. it is finally coming to my attention that i have been clean for a long ass time, and that my commitment to just for today has piled up to a whole lot of those. so why on Earth would i want to be **normal.** because **normal** people can have a micro-brew or two with dinner. **normal** people can make a trip to the dispensary to see what it is all about. and **normal** people do not end up with a needle in their arm. the problem here, is that i am focused on appearances and not reality. when i am asked by the **normal** people who populate my life and actually care for me, why a short glass of single malt scotch is not a good idea for me, i have to say, that it is what it is. they do not understand the engine of MORE and obsession and compulsion, as they have never felt it and have no idea that it even exists. whether or not they see addiction as part of a flawed character or lack of willpower, does not really matter. i know why the crackhead sold her child. i know why someone will trade their teeth in, for another hit on the pipe. i know why sometimes it is just easier to say fVck it and cave into that handle of Popov and it has nothing to do with character, strength of will or morals. i have been there and done that, and gratefully, because of a program of recovery, i get to live today, without that all-consuming beast, forcing me to be someone i do not want to be, just to get that very next fix. today, because of the program i am no longer a victim to my addiction. today i live in the light of the promise of freedom from active addiction and i need not make up stories about how i “dies” and no one cared for me, because i cannot face the reality of what happened. i do not have to blame my stupidity on being an addict, as i truly thought i could climb Mt Bierstadt, without any adverse consequences. i did not overdose on hiking and blacking out because one gets too high, is not the same as dying. of course, those stories lack the same dramatic affect without tying it back to it must be addiction and i not me.
an interesting though crossed my mind as i sat last night to go over my daily inventory. i wished that i could act like someone with thirty days in, who was just starting to get their feet under them. no responsibility for their action and the perfect excuse for any less than stellar behavior. i am not now and more than likely will never be one of those who believes he is a newcomer every day. that in my opinion is a fVcking cop-out and cratering to addiction. so wanting to be a newcomer, with what appears to be the freedom to act any way they want to, feels appealing at times. then i stopped and dove a little deeper, and what i was really seeking was freedom from my responsibility to myself to be something more than just another addict. what i was looking for is a “do over” without having to start over. act like the FNG, keep my clean time and play the pitiful victim card to everyone within earshot.
finally that train of thought ended up here this morning, do i really want any or all of that? the answer came in today's reading, that yes i am grateful; for the gift of clean time. for the pile of doing this just for today, that i currently on my plate. i no longer need to pretend i understand something, when i do not. i no longer need to pretend that i am entitled to something, when i really need to earn it. i no longer need to pretend that filling my life with outside things, will make me better. most importantly i no longer need to glamorize my brain farts and bad behaviors and fall back on that old excuse, i am only an addict. today i am grateful that i CAN choose to do all or none of that and just be okay, with who i am today. just for today, i am grateful i have the examples of those around me, to guide me on the path of becoming something more than just another addict. just for today, i am grateful that i have to sign off and head on down top work, because i am clean and it is expected of me, there really is no free lunch and everything really does have its price, and there is absolutely nothing wrong with that, in my opinion.

∞ DT ∞