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once my amends are done, all i have to do is pick up after myself as i go along, or at least that is the theory! what the reality for me is, is that i still have amends that need to be made each and every time i work the NINTH STEP, just like i have resentments each and every time i work the FOURTH STEP and reservations each and every time i work the FIRST STEP. so if i was in my active addiction cynical state, i could safely say, that all this is a sham and with that sort of evidence, i am not getting any better so why even bother, the easier simpler way of life, is just surrender to addiction and use.
this morning, i am not there. yes it is true there is work to do each and every time i go through the step process, maybe i am just sicker than others. yes it is true that sometimes the work i uncover in a STEP feels like a repeat of the work i have done before. the operative phrase here is ‘feels like,‘ there are certainly some issues that i will be working through the rest of my life, or better put, the rest of my active recovery, because living and recovery may feel like mutually dependent events but i can live without being active in my recovery, as i see all around me, all the time. oops there is go again!
back to the topic at hand. which may have looked like amends, but what it actually is, is clearing the clutter from my spirit through the step process in general. why do i keep going back through the steps? well, for me, there is a relief i find when something that has been gnawing at me is revealed and i can be rid of it. you know, that itch in the middle of you back that you just cannot get to no matter what you do. to extend that metaphor, STEPS 10 through 12 are like a bamboo back-scratching tool i can use myself that provide temporary relief to the most immediate symptom -- THAT FVCKING ANNOYING ITCH. only when i go through the steps with a sponsor is the cause of that itch revealed and removed until the next time i live through enough life to work through the steps again. i am human, so i will never be perfect nor will i ever be able to attain a state of KNOWING, although that is what i want to do. the best i can hope for is a state of LEARNING, and that is not a bad substitute. until i transcend this human condition, the STEPS will be part of my life in active recovery. i accept that today and have absolutely no problem with that. which means that when the time comes to make amends once again, i will embrace that prospect and do my best to live that step was well.
so it is off to the streets for the major doggie workout today, while it is still cool and i still am in the mood to do so. i was unable to settle in for my morning meditation today, so perhaps i will be able to clear my mind while i travel the local highways and byways. it certainly is a very good possibility this morning.

∞ DT ∞