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is certainly a great way to think about how i can live a program of active recovery. not making the mess in the first place, is even better, but alas, being human, that is not always possible. i can certainly say that my spiritual house was trashed when i got clean. it did not get any less trashed during my first round of steps, as the only amends i actually worked was the one to not have sex outside of a committed relationship. do not get me wrong, i said the magic words, to all the right people., but my heart was certainly not in it. it is no wonder that mere abstinence and a glancing pass through the steps was failing to keep me clean, when i found myself in the presence of a sack of dope, thousands of miles away from home, with a friend who would never rat me out. it was almost the perfect set-up for relapse, if only it had happened one night earlier, then my history would have changed and who know what that version of the world would have brought to me.
today, after a few more trips through the steps, where i put my heart and soul into doing the work, i have a fairly clean “house.” i have made all the amends i needed to make, including those to myself. i have been forgiven or not forgiven as the story goes, and what they took away from the process is no longer my stuff. i also no longer really trip down the rabbit hole of the “what if” i had decided to use that night in New Jersey. the fact of the matter is that “event” brought me to my knees, spiritually, and started my recovery process. that process has brought me to where i am today, living a life beyond what i ever thought was possible.
it is interesting that i am currently “paused” in my active step work and i am not going nuts as i approach a “big” clean date. in fact i feel more balanced that i have felt in years. my house is in pretty good order and i have not set my “minions” loose on anyone, to do my “dirty” work, in fact i have had no nasty work to be done, regardless of what some others may imagine in their little heads. the balance i seek today is between the frailty and foibles of being human and my desire to transcend the human condition, by being less reactive and more responsive. my aspirations to be better are actually achievable these days, thanks to a program of recovery and the framework i was given to clean up the messes i make and not make them so often.

∞ DT ∞