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reexamine aspects of myself that i never thought to question -- my religion, political leanings, musical tastes, even the food i eat. well, i actually went through that process more than once in active addiction and certainly since coming to a life in recovery. the only difference between then and now, is today, i can look at all of those aspects of my life, through the lens of “is this me or am i trying to be what i am not?” life in my skin today is one where i get the freedom to choose how i am going to live my life, including whether or not i will stay clean another day. as shocking as that last statement may seem, it is a reality. it is not as if i have the desire to use today, nor do i even think it sounds like a good idea, BUT because i am clean and in recovery, it is a choice i face on a daily basis, and through the days i have been clean, the choice has been not to use, just for today.
many of my peers cringe when i say something like that. the shock value of that statement makes it the more delicious for me, as i have yet to let go of having the desire to see the jaws of some folks hit the floor when i share. i am, however, quite comfortable ensconced in my new manner of living and the one thing i have discovered, is that the longer i stay clean the more choices and the more freedom i seem to have. that freedom includes all sorts of things, but i can honestly say, what it does not include is an abject fear of relapse. i understand the risk of relapse for someone like me is always present, it just does not appeal to me, at this time. i also know that my spiritual path, is not the same as many of my peers, and that too, is something that is okay. i see the rigidity i carried with me from active addiction and into decades of my recovery, in some of the men i sponsor. i have come around to the notion, that it is not my job to free them from their belief structures. my job, as i now see it, is to show them that there ios life in the FREEDOM to choose something different and change as a result, just for today.

∞ DT ∞