Blog entry for:

a resentment held, or unexpressed remorse is like having a trashed house, i can either accept living in the pile of crap or do something to clear the garbage out.
yes, i extended and updated the metaphor this morning. why, i hear some asking, why not is my reply, as it just seemed like the right the to do. i must however 'fess up, as much as i like a good, pithy and relevant metaphor, the whole cleaning house one, has become trite and over-used. that being said, i will still extend it a bit to illustrate the frame of mind i happen to be in this morning.
so the part of me i call addiction, warped my sense of what was right and wrong, what was normal and what was abnormal, and even what i could tolerate and what i could not. resentments, shame, regrets and other such personal detritus was just that stuff to toss away into a closet or room and ignore, after all i never knew when that stuff would come in handy in the future. like a hoarder, i held on to EVERYTHING and stuffed into every nook and cranny i could find. my house was so full of garbage and interesting bits of hurt and embarrassments that i could navigate through it to uncover what few treasures i might have saved. amidst all that garbage were more than a few treasures, stuff like pride in finishing something, self-respect, and self esteem. yet, as the years went by, those treasures were overwhelmed by the mounds of garbage i felt i just needed to hold on to, until i forgot they were even there. after all, you never know when someone who did me wrong would reappear in my life or worse someone i lied to or fVcked over, either way, i needed to hold on to that stuff so i could act appropriately when the time came, shifting blame or exacting my revenge, it was all part and parcel of being an addict for me, and the piles of garbage i accumulated allowed me to do what i needed to do.
early recovery was like a professional organizer coming to call. the members i actually let in, took a look around and strongly suggested that i may want to start cleaning up my house, shoveling the sh!t out i had built up into nearest dump. they also suggested a procedure that required examining everything and coming to rational decisions if each something i looked was a treasure or trash. like a hoarder, at first everything was a treasure that needed to be retained and nothing could be pitched, recycled or donated, all i need to do was find a larger house to hold it all. bit by bit, i followed their example and excavated the various layers of that mess, one bit at a time. only through the not so gentle [prodding of the men who sponsored me and the gentler touch of those members who i came to trust and love was i able to start to let go of the stuff that distracted me from being who i really am. lo and behold, there certainly were more than a few treasures in that trash-filled house, stuff like lost dreams, artistic abilities and the desire to be anything but a using junkie addict.
so is my house spic and span clean yet? no not yet, but the piles of garbage that once overwhelmed me have been mostly removed. i still stumble across a nook, cranny or closet that holds some of that festering sh!t, BUT i have the tools and the abilities in place to shovel that out to the spiritual garbage dump and let it go as well. most of what i have to do today, is light dusting and mopping and vacuuming the floors, and i have steps 10 through 12 to allow me to keep up with that. i even have a method for major spring cleaning, steps 4 through 9, which i am close to starting yet again. yes for the most part the mess has been removed, BUT a periodic deep cleaning keeps me from reverting to the old emotional hoarder i once was. i can let go today, of not only my will and my lief, but those things from my past that cause me to cringe in embarrassment and even shame. there is a place for them, and it certainly is not in the house where i live. just for today, i will let the step process do it's work by letting go of the stuff that no longer serves any positive purpose in my life. it is the POWER that fuels my recovery who will give me the ability to detect what that stuff is, and mu job is to listen and comply to the best of my ability, right here and right now.

∞ DT ∞