Blog entry for:

the leavings of yesterday.
last night and again this morning i got stuck on two interactions that occurred yesterday. neither of which i thought i did anything wrong but both of them poignant and reactive enough, that i needed to look at them., in the application of the two a$$hole rule. just a refresher: if i encounter one a$$hole in my dealings with others, perhaps they are the a$$hole, if i encounter two or more, i need to look at the the only thing those interactions have in common, me! two of my friends, did not seem to find my responses to their electronic missives to their liking. in neither case i did not think i was being anyone but who i was, and part of the way i addressed things was to enforce my boundaries, perhaps a bit “matter-of-factly.” so looking at both of those interactions i can see that while answered what was asked, i did not give of them what they desired, and when i looked through the lens of my 10TH STEP last night, i saw that where the harm was, was being so sparse in my replies. it was not what i said, it was how i said it. when i feel put upon or asked to stray beyond very clear boundaries, i tend to be terse in my replies, as i have found that if i start piling on the reasons, i end up selling myself out.
a friend is quite certain that i have a resentment towards one of them and told me so and i went down that path as well, as i was looking for my part in that particular unpalatable outcome. i truly hate to inventory my feelings, but if i am going to look for harm, i need to see where i am. looking across the course of that relationship, i see that there is hurt, disrespect and certainly betrayal, so yeah, i guess there is a bit of butt-hurtness there and my my actions could be seen as payback for all of that. denying that there is unforgiven sh!t, will not keep me sane, whole and anywhere close to genuine, and yes even though i may not have been the one to help out, i certainly could have given them the opportunity to find a different path to achieving their desire. i really did not need to drop them into the black hole, and truthfully it did not feel good to do so. at the time, i did not see any other way to handle it, emotions ruled and i reacted, even if it was in slow motion. whatever their motives were, i did not allow for a graceful exit, for myself or for them, and as i write this out i see my part in it. do i owe them an amends? probably not. do i owe them an admission that i was wrong, most certainly and at the first opportunity i will do exactly that. so i fail on the first a$$hole test it was me, dang it and had to own what i did.
number two, and i do not mean poo! was i wrong in the other a$$hole test. as i looked over what was said, and all the gusto they put into reaching out to me, i see that my less than overwhelming response may have been badly received as seen as hurtful. what those who walk away seem not to realize, is that there is pain and loss, when that spot in my life is no longer filled. when they waltz back in, at least for me, i find myself less trusting and without a doubt reserved. i want to see them firmly ensconced in their new lives before i offer to bring them back entirely in to what we once had. once again,. protecting my self-interest was where i was at, instead of letting go of the imagined future hurt and pain, i said here is where i will be. once again i fail the a$$hole test and need to reach out and admit i was wrong, no amends but certainly an apology is required. gawd how i wish i was more spiritual more of the time and my reactions to sh!t were less intense, i sincerely hate saying: “oops i was wrong.”
when i get down to it, it was a good reading for me, as it clarified stuff in my head and my heart, i should have figured that if i was still thinking about something twenty-four hours later there was something else going on, and i would have been correct.
it is a good day to be clean and a better day to move forward into some fun.

∞ DT ∞