Blog entry for:

not to make those to whom i owe amends feel better or like me once again, but to follow a path where i can be okay with who i am and how i got here. just like asking for something in prayer the responses i have received over the course of making direct amends , seem to fall into three distinct categories:

• forgiveness and healing (YES)
• no way José
• MEH (Not Yet)

unlike prayer, most of the time i can detect the difference between those three states of willingness to forgive my sins, but i have been surprised more than once when a NO turned into a NOT YET and i was given the opportunity to clean up that particular mess. what i heard this may not be really related to making amends, but it did speak to about the various messes i have laying around my “spiritual” house.
no matter how placid my life may appear to the casual observer, there are certainly more than a few “messes” that are distracting me from the task at hand: recovering in a “just for today” mode. when i look at them, i see that none of them are insurmountable nor is my life “broken beyond repair.” i even have the willingness to do what it takes and to stop acting-out with self-harm, sloth and diving into deep pools of envy and resentments. just as “sweeping” the harm i have done others under the carpet clutters my spirit, so does ignoring the harm i am doing myself. the rationalization always ends up with“…at least i am not using.” i can stay in this mode of self-harm and seal-debasement for as long as i choose to do so, after all it plays well to the internal prosecutor, judge,m jury and executioner and is a very familiar refrain. i know all about the shame of not taking care of what i need to and doing my best to hide it from the world. i also know well the “clean” feeling i get when i let go of that shame and start taking the action necessary to reduce the “clutter” i have put into my own abode.
on that little ray of sunshine, i think i will put this to bed and get the dawg and i out and about for more than a three mile jaunt. both of us can use a bit of exercise and fresh air this morning, and as i empty my head, i can be certain that during trek, a bit more will be revealed, as is most often the case. maybe today i can let go of the excuses i use to keep pounding myself down and live a bit better and freer.

∞ DT ∞