Blog entry for:

well, for the second time in less than 12 hours i am thinking about the NINTH STEP, as the meeting i attended last night also had this as a topic. i totally agree and could go on and on, about how important the NINTH STEP was and is for my recovery, but instead i will go down another rabbit hole, that occurred to me as i was quietly sitting and listening.
the amends i owe, while cluttering my spirit, have mostly been done and have been resolved across the course of my days clean. the few direct ones i have left, are those where i am not able to find or even name those i have harmed and will wait for the time the POWER that fuels my recovery, arranges foir them to be made. other behaviors and thoughts however, do clutter my spirit and as i sit here on STEP SIX, i get reminders on a daily basis about what is blocking me from being the person and the man i want to become. stuff like worrying over whether this or that will not happen. or stuff like not getting what i want, when i want it. or stuff like am i good enough, smart enough or clever enough to land the sort of position i desire. the list goes on and all of it ties back to those parts of me that are defective.
oh yes, i am still broken and whether i was made this way, or active addiction made me this way across the course of my life, is truly irrelevant today. what is relevant, is that i am miserable sitting where i am, and i did not stay clean and do the work necessary to stay clean, just to be miserable. there i finally said it. i DO NOT WANT TO BE MISERABLE nor do i want to have the PATIENCE and FAITH, to wait it out.
YARGHHHHHH!
so what am i to do? i could act out and buy something, hurt something or burn down all that has been given to me in recovery with a quick fix of sumthin sumthin. i could isolate in my room, with my covers over my head waiting for what i want to drop out of the sky and into my lap. OR i can let go, allow the world to turn as it will and do the next right thing, which is what i have been taught to do, one day at a time.
right now, no matter how attractive the alternatives, i will carry on, do what is on my plate and try to have FAITH that i will be taken care of, just as i have always been. although the toughest of the various alternatives for me, certainly the most prudent course today. so off to the showers i go and into another day of slaving away over a hot keyboard, with just the tiniest bit of FAITH that the call i want may be coming.

∞ DT ∞