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looking at this from the inside out, provides an interesting take. there certainly are benefits from being on the receiving end of an amends. thinking about how making an amends frees my spirit of the spiritual clutter, certainly brings in a self-centered aspect.
small brain fart there, i all of a sudden was thinking about what i needed to talk about at a meeting i will be having later today at work, and lost my focus.
the self-interest part of making amends. although i do not like to think about what reward if any, may accrue to me, after making an amends, it is exactly what i need to focus in on today. i have a peer, who has been around the rooms for quite some time, who ended up with another resentment, because their family member went on to list more damage and harm, as part of their amends process. needless to say, my peer was slayed, after all, who the fVck did their family remember think they were, adding more to the already lengthy litany of harm. the lesson i walk away with from that example, is a mixed one. i could quite easily see myself, ending up in the exact same place. in fact, one of my amends was spurned with extreme prejudice, the first time i offered to make it. eventually i got to make that amends, and its format was way different than i had first planned and the after-effects on the two of us, were surprising. as a result, the religion that i was initiated into when i was days old, now considers me never married, making me a member with full privileges and rights. ironically, that is the furthest thing from my mind on most days. i have more than drifted away from that take on the divine, and not anywhere willing to head back to that flock, anytime soon. the resentment ik felt for that particular brand of religion has been removed, after all, my family did what they were brought up to do, and sincerely believed in. it was up to me, once i reached an age where i could rationally look at what was being offered to accept what was being given or to walk away. i ran away, with great haste and dispatch, putting as much distance between and the tenets of that church, as i possibly could. the amends i cleared my spirit of the damage of the acts i had done, when i held her hostage in our unhealthy tango of lust, co-dependency and drug use. she was given the freedom to return to that religion as well, and celebrate her lifer, with her family, in the fullness and warmth of that tradition. me, i have one less tie to a spiritual tradition that does not fulfill or excite me.
if i listed all the amends i ever made, and i have made quite a few, and considered what my reward was, fore each and every one of them, i am quite certain i would uncover a recurring theme. yes, the damage i did was repaired. yes the life i lived ,moving forward was less destructive and damaging to those around me and the world in general. however, each and every amends i made, gave me something in return, be it a renewed relationship, freedom be a member of society, the forgiveness of a debt, or more often than not, a sense of esteem, that was severely lacking when i walked into the rooms.
my point is this: no matter how selfless i want to appear, no matter how “pure” my motives may appear to be, there is always a reward for me, in the amends process, even if it is a harsh reminder of how much damage i did and neglected to own up to as part of the process. remembering that TRUE humility means actually accepting who i am, and i am certainly quite human and do work on a reward and punishment basis. when i look at my actions through the Skinner box of life, i can see that active addiction conditioned me to behave in certain manners, and active recovery is the process of undoing, reversing and replacing that conditioning with something better. in the end, i am only human with very little free-will in the truest sense of the word. recovery, has at least provided me the opportunity to make more choices in my life and offers me a path to becoming a full realized being, rather than just a collection of behaviors and reactions.
it is however, time to head on over to work, to see the damage that amateur hour wreaked upon my co-workers yesterday.

∞ DT ∞