Blog entry for:

...isolation and loneliness of addiction and into the mainstream of life. yes the change to first person is deliberate and done without malice or undue pride, it is merely a statement of the events that have transpired, and i am no longer comfortable living in under the cover of false humility. the ‘I’ that has done this, was aided and abetted by the WE of the fellowship, and without their support, this would have never been possible. becoming part of that WE, has become quite a process, as this was a WE i never, ever planned on becoming a part of. in fact, when i first got here, i did my best to avoid what i saw was a the cult-like assimilation of the WE of the fellowship, that has gone on to save my life.
flashing back to those early days, it certainly was quite a jump for me. as it is stated in our literature, i certainly believed i was self-sufficient, and i denied any evidence that went contrary to my perception of reality at that time. so when i heard about how WE do this and WE do that, and how WE need each other, i was taken aback, to say the least. all WE ever did was to do up my drugs that much quicker, and force me into the finding the ways and means mode sooner rather than later.
even as time passed and i grudgingly accepted the support of the WE off the fellowship, i did my utmost best to stay apart from the freak show as i saw it. until that fateful October evening in GREELEY COLORADO, when the glacier thawed and i finally began my journey in recovery. the thirteen months preceding that was mere abstinence, and just enough work on recovery to keep me clean. it is true that there would be another six months before i actually started to have the desire to live the program, but on that night, i finally made my first step towards becoming part of the WE, that has given me a new way of living. that WE has saved my bacon more than once, like the time when i felt grief so hard that turning into a liquor store sounded like the exact thing i needed to do. oh yeah, that tape? drinking is using PERIOD, i believed that back then, and i believe that still today, there i no path to other substances and into the spiral of degradation, it would have started with that very first slug of whatever on that particular July evening.
where was i? saving my bacon. time and time again, the WE that i so grudgingly became a part of has saved me from myself. that WE has taught me what I need to do to stay clean, that WE has given me the tools and the instructions on how to apply those tools. that WE allowed me to stumble around in the dark, until I found the spiritual path that i needed to find. and that WE keeps me clean to this day. what the part of me i call addiction was most afraid of, has come to pass, i have been assimilated into a WE that actually loves and cares for me, and will provide m,e whatever i NEED to stay clean one more day. that WE has also taught me that i am my own abuser, and I NEED to learn to be good to myself as well as others. so with that though in mind, time to hit the pavement and get some miles in, before real work commences. it is a great day to be clean and to choose to live a program of recovery.

∞ DT ∞