Blog entry for:

i am brought together with people who understand me like no one else can. first and often foremost, from time to time, BECAUSE these people, those in the fellowship and especially those that are working an active program of recovery, can see me for who i really am, i want to run and hide. yes counter-intuitively, the people that can most help me are the ones, i sometimes want to avoid. it is certainly not THEM that are the problem, and as the reading sates it is me, who is looking for a way out. better or more precisely put; it is the part of me i call addiction, that wants to separate me, from the very source of power, that keeps me clean, starting with those hypocritical freaks that populate the rooms.
as you can see, this is a topic i am quite familiar with, for several reasons. i have a friend in my life, who i fondly call the man with a million excuses, who uses this argument all the time. it resonates with me, because, just as most of us can, i see the flaws and imperfections in the members and can focus on them to the exclusion of the assets and growth that is also present. for me, there have periods when it was easier to step away, than allow them to see me for who i was. those periods of my recovery, were among the darkest, even though to someone from the other 85%, it would have appeared that everything in my life was just fine. by remaining aloof, while attending meetings, i still could maintain the illusion of being a card-carrying member, while protecting myself and yes my angst and turmoil, from those very people, who not only understand it but could offer a way out.
so when this reading and those like it, come back around in my annual cycle, i have to sit back and ponder how close i got to the edge, as i walked through my recovery journey. time and again, when i do let others in, i find so many gifts that it astounds me, how could i have ever been so closed off and asocial. as this set of steps is revealing to me, not only do i know how to be a social creature, i also have the desire to make the connections necessary to sustain my recovery. approaching the end of putting my past in perspective section of the steps, i see more and more, how i need and want to be part of this fellowship, in deed as well as in word. even though i have some days, it does not make me more recovered or advanced than my peers, all it means is that i have been doing this just for today gig, for more days in a row. the great part of that is that no matter how much i may think it is a good idea to bolt to another fellowship, where i can hide under the guise of being an “ -oholic ” of some sort, i know that i am right where i belong. i know enough about who and what i am, that i can see that for what it is. it is an attempt by the part of me i call addiction to separate me from the very source of what drives my desire to be clean today, the fellowship i call my home, and my peers, who comprise it. i do have a bunch to accomplish today, so i will sign-off by saying, that i am grateful that i have a place to go, full of people just like me, who have decided that at least for today, they will not use, no matter what.

∞ DT ∞