โ i may feel like an alien but i must remember, the alienation is mine, not that of the program โ
Posted: Thu, Nov 16, 2006 07:58:45 AM
never alone, never again. i do not know how many times i have heard that said in the meetings that i have attended, but each time i hear it, i get a little smile on my face. of all the trite little clichés that circulate around the rooms, this is the only one that does not evoke and emotion of yuck not again!
i was truly different when i came to recovery, i did not have a problem with using drugs, i could quit at any time and did hundreds of times in my active addiction, i had a legal problem and the members who happened to be there when i first started coming, long before i actually accepted recovery, kept telling me that i was in the right place and to keep coming back (more clichés). realistically i really did have a problem with the disease of addiction that still is manifest in me today. yes it is true that my last use was quite some time ago, but there are still times when i feel different, some sort of non-human, from a place so far away that i can hardly believe that i am a member of the human race. and you know what? when i am feeling that way, and i decide to show up for a meeting or even, GASP, talk to another addict, i discover that i am not unique. i discover that the only person putting distance between myself and those who care about me, is me. and i discover that there is nothing that i need to go through by myself.
letting others in is always a bit difficult for me, after all, if i let someone in they have the tools to destroy me and leave me alone once again. if i keep my distance no one can cause me any emotional harm and when i was using that was a trade i was willing to make. alone, lonely and totally nuts was better than the possibility of getting hurt. and that attitude is still rolling around as part of me, it is just a bit more quiet these days. the evidence that i have accumulated across the course of my recovery has shown that i do not have to be alone, and the risk of getting hurt is outweighed by the gifts of having strong equal relationships. i am no longer satisfied with isolating myself from the storms of relationships.
so i am not alone and as long as i keep doing what i have been doing i will continue to be able to reach out for relationships that are healthy and sane. yea there is a chance that i may get hurt, but that chance is one i am willing to take, at least right now. so i am truly never alone, just for today!
i was truly different when i came to recovery, i did not have a problem with using drugs, i could quit at any time and did hundreds of times in my active addiction, i had a legal problem and the members who happened to be there when i first started coming, long before i actually accepted recovery, kept telling me that i was in the right place and to keep coming back (more clichés). realistically i really did have a problem with the disease of addiction that still is manifest in me today. yes it is true that my last use was quite some time ago, but there are still times when i feel different, some sort of non-human, from a place so far away that i can hardly believe that i am a member of the human race. and you know what? when i am feeling that way, and i decide to show up for a meeting or even, GASP, talk to another addict, i discover that i am not unique. i discover that the only person putting distance between myself and those who care about me, is me. and i discover that there is nothing that i need to go through by myself.
letting others in is always a bit difficult for me, after all, if i let someone in they have the tools to destroy me and leave me alone once again. if i keep my distance no one can cause me any emotional harm and when i was using that was a trade i was willing to make. alone, lonely and totally nuts was better than the possibility of getting hurt. and that attitude is still rolling around as part of me, it is just a bit more quiet these days. the evidence that i have accumulated across the course of my recovery has shown that i do not have to be alone, and the risk of getting hurt is outweighed by the gifts of having strong equal relationships. i am no longer satisfied with isolating myself from the storms of relationships.
so i am not alone and as long as i keep doing what i have been doing i will continue to be able to reach out for relationships that are healthy and sane. yea there is a chance that i may get hurt, but that chance is one i am willing to take, at least right now. so i am truly never alone, just for today!
∞ DT ∞