Blog entry for:

talk about a major chunk of irony, for the first time in a long time, i will have the house to myself, as my significant other takes a cruise through Asia. where once i would welcome the peace and quiet, over the past two days, i am finding myself disturbed by it and trying to figure out, how i will get through this period of “home alone.” of course i minimize what i am feeling, because once again i do not want to look weak and feeble, the fact is i miss her already and the house is far too quiet for my liking. in the past, however, that term “peace and quiet” meant isolation from the world and certainly the mainstream of life. i liked to use alone and isolated as it meant much more for me. topping off the emptiness of my home, is the fact that i am currently locked in by being on-call until Sunday, the enforced isolation only makes it worse. that my friends, is my fine whine for today, sorry no cheese and fruit plate to complement that vintage serving.
as i consider what it may mean for me to be in the “mainstream of life,” i know that it will mean reaching out to those who actually want to spend time with me and being that little extra bit of spice in their lives. tonight for instance, the meeting commences after my on-call ends. it has been quite some time since i last attended a meeting on a Friday night and after the next few weeks, it may be quite a bit of time before i attend one again. nevertheless, IF i want to isolate, i can, as i have the perfect storm of opportunity, right here and right now. the face is, i do not want to isolate at all. i could use my “scratchy throat” as an excuse to stay home one more day, BUT and yes it is a big one, i DO NOT want to be home alone today. in fact i crave a bit of social interaction beyond the tiny bit i got last night while doing a bit of service for my fellowship. although the work place may not be ideal to step back into the “mainstream” after two days of being alone, it is certainly a good start.
sitting here with these feelings, i see how far i have come in my recovery journey. even twenty years ago, i would have gleefully accepted an empty house as a “nice break.” as the date for my loved one's departure approached, i was quite certain that the little gnawing knot of uncertainty in the back of my head was due to my financial situation and not anxiety about how i could fill my life in her temporary absence, as i have always been okay, with being alone. i am seeing that, perhaps that was once the truth, but it is no longer the case and recovery has taught me that i may be socially awkward, but i am a social creature, nevertheless. what that means right here and right now, is it is time to get down the road to work, savor what social interaction that i can and make the plans for getting myself out of the house and into the world around me. i GET to learn how to be more than just a whiny “home alone” sort of brat and i do not even need criminally inclined bad guys coming after me.

∞ DT ∞