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i have a peer in recovery, who is on the new side, that seems to believe that it is up to everyone else, to reach out and make the connection with them. they have worked themselves into such a state that now they believe that they rooms are not truthful, honorable or the place they belong. it is unfortunate, but their half measures are what is the nature of what is going on. apparently they missed the implications of the THIRD disturbing realization, that one can no longer blame people, pl;aces or things for their addiction. that extends to my behavior as well. if i am not making myself available or not calling anyone, how can i expect them to be calling me and making an effort to make a connection.. i can make a million justifications and rationalizations for such behavior, but what it comes down to is this: i am looking for an excuse to move off in a different direction, because the rooms are full of people who do not give a sh!t about me. it is so nice, neat and of so perfect, no blame on me, it is all on others and i get to be a victim once again, TA-DA!
how do i recognize this refrain? it was mine for quite some time. i even added ca neat little twist. as i dove into service i could say: ”those fVckers, after all i do for them, they still are not reaching out to me and trying to make a connection with me, how ungrateful and disrespectful that all is to me, i might as well go out and eat some worms.”
today? well today, i realize that “those fVckers” are the very people who have my back, all the time. an amazing thing happened. once i got off my high horse and started to reach out to my peers, they started to call me, hang out with me and invited me to their celebrations and activities. when i was too busy, none of that happened and i drifted between despair and resentment. i know today, that the driving force behind all of that, especially the part of being to busy to a part of the fellowship, was abnormally low self-esteem and the desire to look good in the eyes of my peers. if they could not see how messed up i was, and i thought i was sicker than most, they could not judge me. if i spent all my spare time, away serving the fellowship i had the perfect excuse for not connecting with those i shared the local rooms with, back in those days. best of all, i could “Joe serve the fellowship,” when i was at committee, looking all selfless and walking 3 inches off the ground, and “Joe you people suck,” when i was in my local community. it certainly was the best of times and the worst of times, as the opening line of a tale of two Dons!
ah the bad old days, and the worst part was that i was a member of the No Matter What club and had not used. i had yet to see myself as worthy of having friends and acquaintances, much less a connection with my peers, because i was still incapable of seeing recovery as anything more than staying clean. those days are finally behind me, and i realize that if i want friends i need to be friendly. if i want to be respected i need to be respectful and if i want to have a connection it is my responsibility to initiate it. anything less, will not bring me the results i desire and to have any expectations that it night, well that is certainly insane, after all i only get out of recovery, that which i put into it.

∞ DT ∞