Blog entry for:

is an apt description of what i have been feeling over the past few weeks. i do not feel a part of the fellowship that has given me this new manner of living, nor do i feel a part of the world around me. i feel isolated and alone and have the greatest desire to run away and seek a life in a van down by the river. my sleep was disturbed all night long about what “might” happen today at work and i am anxious about whether or not i will get to move forward in the hiring process for the job i interviewed for on Friday. the facts are i am living in the world of “what-ifs,” and that world is working me over. what i do “know” is that i am the one that is giving that world any power and it is me who is alienating myself from the world as it is today.
what came to me, as i left the comfort of my 11th STEP this morning, was that nothing is fVcked, and that the little conversation i had on Friday, may have actually been heard and things at work, might actually change. those issues are not going away, that i am fairly sure of, but what may change is that those above my pay grade might actually find the ways and means for me to have a better work/life balance and i might find the time to take care of the things i need to take care of, in my every day life.
it is true, that i still have to find a job and the time i spent pounding out a little vanity project, this weekend, may not land me the job, but it will help me to hone my skills so i am better prepared, if and when another opportunity comes down the pipeline. as i discovered over the course of what i did get done, i need to do some work to get the rust off my development skills. over the course of this week, i will complete the project, make the changes to bring it up to “production ready” and post it on my website. i also will do my best to eke out some time to spend with my loved ones and research recipes for my parent's Thanksgiving dinner. that is going to be a tough one, as i do not care for the ingredients of two dishes they have requested. most of all, i will let go of what is yet to come and do my best to live in the what is. that means that i post this to the interwebs and hit the streets to get some of my frustrations pounded out, as i make myself a bit more fit, physically and certainly emotionally, to handle the day ahead of me.

∞ DT ∞