Blog entry for:

keeps me coming back to the program of recovery that has gifted me a life i find mostly satisfactory. i might not have all that i DESIRE, but when i take an inventory of what i do have, i see that i have everything i NEED. i am not one of those who have stepped away for a pause from meetings, the fellowship and daily active recovery. at first, it was FEAR, that kept me coming. FEAR of losing my freedom and then abject FEAR of relapse, as i had seen more than one of my peers relapse and die. for me, these days, it is all about living a life where i have the choice to creatively recover from addiction, within the confines of a TWELVE STEP program. i could bitch and moan about how much effort it takes, but in reality, i have done it long enough that it is almost as automagic as breathing for me. so i stay and find the ways and means to be a bit more than i was yesterday.
quite honestly i have never understood why anyone with any length of clean-time would step away from the program, even for a few months. even mu former sponsee, who seems to believe he needs an “advanced” program, seems to pop-up every now and again. it is quite true that for me, fear of relapse is no longer on the top of my list of reasons to stick around. as i build my life from the ashes of active addiction, created a social circle that is comprised of mostly my peers and associates in recovery. sticking around allows me to have a social life and practice how to be sociable. one of the lingering effects of active addiction is my social awkwardness. as i socialize with my peers, i become a friend, a trusted confidant or just someone with whom to hang out.
moving into this day, as i rehab my leg, i am finding that i have the desire to be more social at the rec center. i have always maintained an attitude of “i do not belong here” and yet, there i am, day after day. the opportunity to be a bit more social is upon me and i have been doing my best to ignore it. in eight weeks i will be on a mountain with a group of people i do not know, so perhaps a bit of practice in the gym, is a good start. anyhow, it is time to get the dawg out for a walk as work, steps and the cigar store are calling my name. it is a good day to be reminded that my resilenece is a symptom of active recovery and active recovery, just for today, comes to me because i keep coming back.

∞ DT ∞